M – You were my first, true boyfriend. A year, we dated. A year and I cheated on you. The first, the last time I ever cheated. I was angrier with myself than you were with me. I felt like the lowest of low. But I was unhappy. You had a porn addiction, one that made me feel inferior. You had your own insecurities. We never fought, mostly because we never confronted a thing. We were young, naive, and didn’t know how to have a real, true, relationship. I said I loved you but… now as I’m older, I think i didn’t. I thought I did, truly, and so my words weren’t a lie. But at 19, I had no idea what love was.
P- 4 years. 4 years together. We were so in love, so engulfed in each other. So much so, that we didn’t see much outside ourselves. We spent day after day on the phone. Almost every single day for 4 years. You were jealous, painfully so. Angry. I remember the night you spend 3 hours drunkenly yelling at me on the phone about how dumb and naive I was, how all my guy friends just wanted to fuck me, how I thought i could get away with acting a certain way, and how if i hung up, you’d break up with me. And I was scared of losing you, so I didn’t. I took your anger. I remember the day we got into an argument on the phone late at night and as soon as you hung up, some guys hit you with a baseball bat and stole your phone. You called me from the hospital, crying. So upset your anger blinded you to the men stalking you. Apologizing for everything, yet doing it all over again.
I remember the good times we had, but i remember how you weren’t much of a giver. How you felt trapped in your life but never made any changes. How you hated anyone who had a better life than you, how the world was out to get you. And how clearly, because two girlfriends cheated on you in the past, so would I. I never did. But i left you because i was more miserable than i was happy. It was the hardest decision of my life and the best one i could’ve made.
L- You fucked me over, didn’t you? We slept together, we “dated” but you found someone better than me, then tried to use your manipulation to pull the wool over my eyes, make it like it was i who made it as though I didn’t want a relationship, when you were just a conceited bastard. I have never met anyone who was a first class case narcissistic, until I met you. You have problems. And over a year later, you still were texting me on and off, trying to get “back” with me because as a narcissist, you couldn’t take no as an answer. I bet it kills you I’m the one thing you couldn’t conquer.
M2 – We thought it was serendipitous that 7 years after high school graduation, we came into each other’s lives through an online dating site, so randomly. And we clicked so well. It was like getting to know each other all over again, yet having this sense of comfort. And things were going well. Despite me being hurt, I was opening up to you. And then you dropped the bomb that, even though you cared for me, we couldn’t be together because family issues were taking up too much of your time and concentration. And it killed me. To be broken up with because of outside reasons. To be left because you couldn’t balance your issues. I was starting to fall for you, hard, and you broke my heart. Then attempted to get back together with me, then broke it again when you realized it wasn’t that simple for you. How dare I get my hopes up and think you had worked through everything so quickly. I was as fooled as you had fooled yourself.
And to the one who comes now…
You are amazing. I am still scared, hurt, broken, afraid. But you are incredible. And I want to give you all of me. A stronger, more courageous, more sure and loving me. So I’m working on getting there. I’m working on being the girl I used to be, the one who loved with open arms and who wasn’t afraid of the hurt. Who just gave herself 100% and didn’t worry about consequences.You deserve that girl. And I will find her again. There’s a part of me that keeps telling myself I can’t love again… and there’s a part of me that thinks that is a total lie. I can love you, as long as I learn to let go. Just let it all go…