Even as I try to write something other than the subject that I furiously try to suppress, only one thing comes to mind. You, it’s always you.

I bat my lashes up and down, my pupils dilate as the darkness of the night is quick to show shadows forming carefully but in my mind it’s all clear. My heart begins to hum with the gentle power of a thousand wings as your image pops into my mind. The thought is inescapable, that line that draws nearly all of my focus back to the cheerful woman. Those days, I wish I could relive it all, have you so close to me that I could easily smell your perfume. I wish I could hold on to your every word again, picturing that world inside of you you were so accustomed to showing me.

It would have been easier to forget my crush if you wouldn’t have seemed so happy to see me, a smile always being displayed at me that immediately made me forget of all the bad stuff that had happened that day.

My childish ways made you smile.

It was the first time I had seen your teeth and they were stunning. They melted my heart, which I had been steeling for impact, for what I don’t know. I froze, my face taking on an expression which I imagined is similar to the look a man gets just after he has been kneed in the groin. However not being a guy and having therefore never been kicked in the balls I could not be certainly sure. Maybe I didn’t read you right.

I saw you today, after all this years. Memories are reigned by a concept of inevitability, they came rushing by like a dam cracking by holding too much water and finally releasing all what’s inside. At first they seem refreshing, filling all the cracks of the dry land but it reaches a point where it’s too much and everything is under water, drowning, not being able to breathe. I blink… it’s all clear. You are breathing slowly. I can’t seem to leave you, can’t believe I still want you. Beneath the stains of time feelings disappear but this emotion isn’t dead. This feelings I have for you are still there, surviving all my attempts of murdering them. If I could live it all again two years away, I would but I would find a way, a sentence to convince you to leave me living in your heart. It’s strange you never knew how bad I wanted to fade into you, how I wanted to melt into every part and the ways I loved you. It’s impossible you ever read me wrong, you knew and I knew what we were feeling. But do you know I’m still holding on?

If writing things out bring closure why, then do I still not feel free? I’m sure I’ll find someone else but I doubt the impossibility of our relationship would ever be overcomed.

How I fell for that dancing little her! Because between every laugh I drink myself to death. I can’t get any woman from any man.