Hope Is A Cruel Master
by admin • July 6, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Frustration • 5 Comments
I keep getting angry. Angry at you for being disappointing. Angry at myself for expecting anything else.
You’re so fucking passive I wouldn’t know whether you love me or hate me. How can it be that huge a spectrum? Seriously, I don’t know whether I’m like a little fly buzzing in your face that you’ve kind of come accustomed to enough to not even try to swipe aside, like a cow sitting there staring blankly and flapping your ears occasionally as if one day I might get the hint that a little twitch of your ears is your version of a fly swat. Or whether you’re in love with me and trying not to show it. Or any of the myriad situations in between that could apply equally as well.
How would I know what you think of me, other than what little you show me? I don’t have your interactions with others to compare ours to. I don’t know how big or tiny a priority I am in your life.
But whatever the situation, I need more attention and affirmation, more effort from my friends. I have high expectations of the people closest to me, probably why only one person has got anywhere near what I consider close. I give what I want to receive, and never seem to receive what I want back. Is it so futile to want the depth of relationship that I crave? Am I so cold that I need more saturation in order to feel loved than other people do? I think I need more proof than other people do that I am liked, which may make me more insecure than most, but that’s because I see deeper than most. I see the fakeness in people who seem authentic to others. I see when it’s all surface. This is why I was drawn to you in the first place, because I’m pretty sure that what I do get is genuine, it’s just that there’s not enough of it for my needs. A reticence to share fully. Not enough desire to truly be part of my life. I think you’re content to remain quietly on the fringe. You’re an outsider by nature, but I hoped that we could be outsiders together, that we could be each other’s one sure thing.
I just don’t know whether to keep trying or accept defeat and move on. I need you to take a more active role in that decision.
Outsiders…
Sometimes, to coalesce, we need that defensive shell to be broken or someone to show us that arm’s distance is – always – an emphatically necessary aspect of life. This where most of our friends fail us, not that they are to blame – per se, it just means that they don’t, fully, understand.
Keep trying. What you want may be want they want, but (if they’re anything like me) imposition is a grave offense. It’s better to keep playing on our side of the field, than to ruin and/or lose a friendship, but doing something impulsive.
I cannot stress – enough – the imperative part that communication plays. None of us are mind readers (that I know of), so an expectation that we should know or understand discounts the reality that we’re outsiders and catching hints just doesn’t come naturally to us.
I wish you luck, in this endeavor.
My advice is to stop asking yourself if you are good enough for this person, and what this person wants from you and how you can give it to them.
Start asking yourself if this person is good enough for you, and if you are getting from this person what YOU need to be happy.
If the answer is no, then move on.
..and just for a moment step back from your own feelings and try to objectively think; do you really *REALLY* give what you want and it is not returned? Or do you want *more* then what you give?
Reason why I am asking is this: I gave everything and gradually adjusted to what I receive. Which I KNOW he thinks is not enough. Once distance grows, it take *both* to build a bridge and not only one to keep building and building and building and… (you get the picture) just to have it torn down again and again and again and….
Promises, promises, promises, words, words, words, no action, no sign of sorry’s ever truly meant. No reason for it either, the *real* distance is something not *wanted* to be overcome – by him. Fantasy is great but life has a way of catching up to all of us and not very often do we get what we hope for. I never hoped but wished, just for once in my life, to be able to be me, and loved still. Everybody is different, some are happy and satisfied with true love, and think they have it and still want more.
Choices we all have to make. Some are painful, actually come think of it, most choices are until they *eventually* prove to have been the *right* ones. Trial and error, we all make mistakes and such is life.
Again, do YOU really GIVE what you wish to receive? Try to list all those little details and compare, only then you know for sure.
typo…
*and some think they have it and still want more.
I may not be getting exactly what I would most like from him right now, but the potential that it might happen in the future is too great to give up on. So I will keep giving of myself, because I enjoy doing so, and hope that eventually he will give of himself more in return. But if he doesn’t, I’ll just have to accept the relationship as it is because the bottom line is that I want him in my life, in whatever capacity he can give himself.