I keep getting angry. Angry at you for being disappointing. Angry at myself for expecting anything else.
You’re so fucking passive I wouldn’t know whether you love me or hate me. How can it be that huge a spectrum? Seriously, I don’t know whether I’m like a little fly buzzing in your face that you’ve kind of come accustomed to enough to not even try to swipe aside, like a cow sitting there staring blankly and flapping your ears occasionally as if one day I might get the hint that a little twitch of your ears is your version of a fly swat. Or whether you’re in love with me and trying not to show it. Or any of the myriad situations in between that could apply equally as well.
How would I know what you think of me, other than what little you show me? I don’t have your interactions with others to compare ours to. I don’t know how big or tiny a priority I am in your life.
But whatever the situation, I need more attention and affirmation, more effort from my friends. I have high expectations of the people closest to me, probably why only one person has got anywhere near what I consider close. I give what I want to receive, and never seem to receive what I want back. Is it so futile to want the depth of relationship that I crave? Am I so cold that I need more saturation in order to feel loved than other people do? I think I need more proof than other people do that I am liked, which may make me more insecure than most, but that’s because I see deeper than most. I see the fakeness in people who seem authentic to others. I see when it’s all surface. This is why I was drawn to you in the first place, because I’m pretty sure that what I do get is genuine, it’s just that there’s not enough of it for my needs. A reticence to share fully. Not enough desire to truly be part of my life. I think you’re content to remain quietly on the fringe. You’re an outsider by nature, but I hoped that we could be outsiders together, that we could be each other’s one sure thing.
I just don’t know whether to keep trying or accept defeat and move on. I need you to take a more active role in that decision.