To You, my rapist,
Why did you do it? You were fourteen. I was seven. Neither of us were ready to do anything like what you made me do. Because of what you did, I have been in and out of therapy for three years after attempting to repress what you did. My first therapist didn’t help. I wasn’t comfortable talking to him. He made me read a book on “healing” after being sexually abused. Not only did it not help me at all, but it contradicted some of my own deepest beliefs.
Now, mainly due to your actions, I struggle with finding a way to love myself. For a long time, I was my enemy. I hated myself. After years of depression and trying to overcome it on my own, I have founds friends who are able to show me the many reasons why I should love myself. Do I love myself yet? No. However, I do LIKE myself, which is far better than I was just a year or two ago.
I’ve read that in order to truly “heal,” I must forgive you. But in all honesty, I don’t think I can. I was never taught how to forgive people when they had wronged me so much. Forgiving you for what you did to me isn’t the same as forgiving someone for accidentally tripping me or accidentally running into me. At most, those actions would have given me a bruise. You, on the other hand, have paralyzed part of me. I am unable to trust most men. I cannot bring myself to feel comfortable around them. I am unable to give of myself on my wedding night.
THAT is what hurts the most. Being unable to give to my true love the one thing that only I should be able to give.
So, I hope you’re happy. You have my future spouse’s wedding gift. You have my ability to trust men. You have torn me apart, leaving me with tiny scraps of who I once was. But, for whatever reason, I do think I am a better person for what you put me through. I am better able to help others in the same position. I am more willing to listen to the problems of others. I am a strong woman who can stand on her own two feet and say that she has been hurt in the past, but she won’t let anyone touch her again without permission. So, for that, I thank you.