It’s been three years now.
So much has changed and nothing at all.
Recap: Progress or defeat? Is there any direction at all, or are we simply floating on timeless space, spinning around the black hole until it finally sucks us, or either one of us, into the nothingness?
The only constant: The depth of my love for you, it’s still the core emotion deep inside of me (regardless appearance, odds and circumstance). Only now, I burry it with my own being busy. Do you remember? We talked about it before…ah so long ago it seems. I have been there before, before opening myself up for the first time ever, before loving you. I know how it works, I know it does, but I never wanted to get there again. I wanted to be open all the way, so hard to do, but I did it – for you. Gradually, now more then ever, I find myself falling back into my old self. First I didn’t notice, slowly I begun to, and did nothing. I did nothing because I noticed how I felt a little less pain each time I slip deeper and deeper into my own ignorance of avoiding.
In many ways we are more alike then you will ever realize, you took for granted that this effort is, who I am. You didn’t realize, how hard it was, is, to be completely open. You never asked for it, I know, I did this freely, I wanted to know if it’s possible to love, to be oneself, to be completely open and be loved anyway. Fearless of pain and hurt from being vulnerable. I remain fearless of pain, pain is part of life, but I slowly accept the truth in what you keep telling me, of what I see signs of elsewhere from you. A truth that is yours and can never be mine, and that’s the realist speaking in me. My love is real, and while love has no reason, or measure, yearning and being alone, does.
You don’t think about things like I do, you never ask why it is we are so close. You never ask yourself *who* and *what* I really am to you. You don’t ask yourself if *us* is right or wrong and the question why for either. You don’t even ask yourself what you really feel. You take life by the moment of breath. In a way I admire you for that and wish I could be more like that, but I am not – at least not when it comes to loving someone. Maybe you do ask yourself all of those questions and more, maybe you have your own answers where I am still searching for mine. It’s very well possible, you don’t share too much of such emotions. I understand, I do, we are different with different goals. Selfish me, I am at a point in my life where I just want peace and love. Yes, I can be quite ruthless when it comes to hurting people. I never want to hurt ANYONE, but I have open eyes and realize that when I have to, to find my own happiness, I will. I have lived for other people long enough, I deserve happiness too. The few close ones always understand in the end. The rest was never worth my care to begin with. Hard words, I know. Life and still I always try my best, gosh you know how hard I try. Enough is enough though. Strength, some are stronger then others – I always had to be, wether I wanted to, or not.
Do you Remember from Phil Collins comes to mind.. you tell me, is it too late?
What am I doing? Why exhaust anyone potentially attempting to read through this maze of mind cluster?
Thank you LINS for being an outlet to just let go, no matter how incoherent it may come across