I’m like 99% sure I heard you rubbing one out early this morning. You thought I was asleep. Sure, whatever, you’re a parent, you’ve obviously discovered sex. And I’m not exactly a novice either.

But we were sharing a room. You were literally 4 feet away from me. It was just one night we had to share a room. Could you seriously not wait? I don’t want to hear you having a wank. And I need to still live under the delusion that my parents don’t fuck each other or themselves. This is too creepy. All I can hear is the breaths and the squicks and my spirit breaking a little.

This is up there with finding my dad’s porn collection when I was a kid. Maybe I can convince myself that it was a sleep-induced hallucination.

I mean, I’m not overreacting. Nobody wants to hear anybody that they aren’t actually sleeping with play with themselves, right (porn notwithstanding)? Especially one’s goddamn parent.

I’m so grossed out.