You call me handsome — Why?
You’ve said you couldn’t believe that I started talking to you; that it was like a dream that I started liking you — Why?
You tell me you’ll never grow bored of me, even if I am, in fact, boring because of my inability to maintain a conversation; that even in my silences I will not push you away — Why not?
You see, I call you beautiful because it is a fact. You are attractive in more than just your outer appearance, which alone is stunning. But your purity of heart and attitude of servitude is incredible, and your compassion for others far-reaching. You live life to the fullest and waste not what you can use, especially time. You are the epitome of beauty and my reasons why I call you “Beautiful”. Because you really are.
You see, I say I love talking to you and likewise will never tire of our conversations because you have a way of captivating me with the way you speak, the things you say, and the humor you express. I have no way of justly explaining it, because you are unfathomable at times. Your English isn’t perfect, but all it does is add to your personality and the intrigue of conversing with you. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
You see, it truly is surreal that YOU are speaking to ME, because you are so beautiful, funny, and enjoyable and I am so… me. It is somewhat of a dream to me that you offer so much of your time and attention, flirting and saying some of the things you have, wishing for the relationship we can’t have because of the distance, and I have troubles understanding that.
Because I am a bit insecure. I have told you as much. I know I am not physically attractive; I’ve heard as much from more mouths than those who voice the opposite. I am quiet; not vocal. Not outgoing. Not remotely interesting in my own opinion. My most recent ex had considered breaking off our relationship more than once because of my introversion, only feeding the insecurity residing in my mind. Even now, her words bounce off the sides of my skull, reverberating relentlessly. I have troubles finding qualities within myself that another would find attractive, much less fall in Love with.
I have had two relationships in which “she” has fallen in love with me, but obviously neither has lasted. And so logically, a part of me fears it never will. Yet the direction this thing between us is going is a bit unnerving, if I were being completely honest. By all appearances, my Third is right around the corner, the only barrier being the aforementioned distance, but no wall stands forever.
I am just rambling, I know.. You haven’t responded to my texts today, so sometimes the idea that you ARE bored with me or don’t want to talk to me weaves its way into my mind and becomes a dominating thread in this tapestry of insecurity, even though I always find out later you were busy with something and my concerns unfounded.
I didn’t want to start falling for you. I really didn’t… Why do you think I came off so cold at first? Only speaking out of courtesy, being nice, without even the thought of pursuit? And yet you reversed the roles, pursuing me instead and shifting the ground beneath my feet. And I gravitated towards your glow in that too-trusting manner of mine, drawn in by the character I observed. Not that you are not deserving of that trust, but I ask you please: do not lead me somewhere if you do not intend to follow.
I sound pathetic, I know, but the uncertainty and instability of our situation has brought me here to these crossroads. We aren’t in a relationship; we aren’t dating, because we can’t right now. There is no commitment. Many people are afraid of commitment. Me? I’m afraid of the lack of it. I am not one of those guys who enjoys “freedom” as many call it and dating lots of girls. I can’t fathom how people can do that! If it were up to me, I’d date one girl, fall in love, and then marry her and embark upon our life-long journey together in a mad, passionate Love.
I don’t even know where or how to end this jumble of thoughts on this electronic page. I can go on and on, mostly about nothing, and yet everything that I hold dear to my heart. So I will leave off right here, for now, and keep waiting to hear from you… Perhaps I’ll send another text and hope you hear it and respond, if only to tell me you’ve been busy.. I’m not generally clingy, but I’ve missed you today.
And I really do think you are beautiful.
That guy you talk to.