All at once it’s become clear to me. Are you allergic to honesty? You don’t really have anybody else; seems like my lust is just convenient. No matter how much I’m crying, or how depressed I am, or how much I don’t want to be around… I can always smile for you. And that shits me because you don’t care whether I’m smiling or not, and I save my smile for you. No matter how carefully I choose my words, they always end up being twisted by you. You’re so caught up in your own heartache; you never stop to realize other people feel things too. You’re so convinced that nobody knows how you feel; you don’t open your eyes wide enough. You overlook people that might actually be able to help you. And you go on with your life, living in a self created prison – a prison within your own mind.
Maybe this is sort of cliché, but I don’t love everything about you. I hate how you’re indifferent sometimes, and how some days you just seem to disappear. I hate the jokes you make sometimes, and sometimes I can’t stand the way you act. I hate that all of things I hate don’t seem to matter when I’m actually around you. I’m sorry I’m not what you expected. I’m sorry that I’m sometimes obnoxious, and that I don’t always look good. I’m not sorry for the times I don’t make sense, and for all the times I’ve spoken my mind. I’m not sorry that I can’t always live up to your standards, and I’m not sorry for what I say or think, or for the opinions I have. I’m not sorry for speaking up when you were out of place. I’m not sorry for being this person. I’m sorry I’m only human.
And you know, it’s like being hit by a truck over and over again, but I stay on the road because when I’m not being hit by a truck, the road is the best place in the world to be. You’re like a set of monkey bars, like the ones from primary school? It’s fun at first just hanging there, but then I start to get blisters. My hands start to sweat, and I start to slip, yet I still hold on, adjusting my hands to make them stay. It took me this long to realize that it really is time to let go. You’ve kept me hanging on because you want me as an option, even if it’s an option you’ll never take. I wanted everything to stay the same until I was ready for it to change. But I can’t do that anymore. I can’t continue to expect the world to stand still until you and I are ready.
I’m mad, and also a little sad. But mainly jealous because I wish I could have as many chances as you’ve been given. I know I would take it seriously. I wouldn’t take advantage of anyone. I wouldn’t lead anyone on. I’d try my hardest not to hurt anyone, and that is so much more than I can say for you. You’re just used to getting whatever you want. I love that my Mum plays her music loud in the mornings. It doesn’t bother me that my Dad is not around that often, because I know he’ll be there when it counts. I like that Emma has obsessive tendencies; she always has my best interest at heart. And I just love my best friend for everything that he is, and I can’t stand it when you criticize him.
I don’t understand why you think its okay to hurt me the way you did. There were days that I couldn’t wait to talk to you or see you. But it’s not like you cared about me, at least not the way that I cared about you. And it’s not like I don’t care about you now; it’s that I’ve finally decided to get my priorities straight. And I’m only making you a priority if you can do the same for me. You know, I don’t like it when someone tells me something about myself that I haven’t yet realized. If I lack the courage to tell myself something revealing, I am not ready to hear it from somebody else. Ever since I’ve met you, I’ve been a mess of insecurities, and it’s time for that to change. I don’t understand; what are you afraid of? I know it’s not just me. You don’t fully reveal yourself to anyone. You were a mess of insecurities long before I came along. I’m sick of trying to understand you… I’m sick of wanting to. You think nobody knows who you are, how you feel. Well, I promise you – I know more than I will ever let on. I’ve been waiting for you to share yourself, hoping you would discover you could trust me. But, I can no longer wait for the trust of you. A year is long enough.
I stick around, despite all of your flaws. I should be glad writing this letter, knowing you don’t want me… I should be glad because I’m no longer who I used to be, thanks to you. I no longer wake up in the morning with a positive outlook on life. Do you remember the person that I once was? I changed myself completely for you, and I seem to be the only one who didn’t realize it. I should be glad that this is over, because despite how content I seemed to feel when in your presence, you were sucking the life out of me. You’ve had your chance; too many in fact, and I mean this when I say it – I’m finally ready to let you go. Because you’ve let me down so many times before, and I was a fool to keep feeding you… To love you with all I’ve got, when you only ever gave something like 12% of your love to me. It hasn’t been fair. I’ve been giving my al and you’ve been pushing me away, pulling me back, pushing me away, and then reeling me back in when it’s convenient for you. I can’t keep giving everything I’ve got to someone who is less than deserving. I can’t keep destroying myself. I don’t regret you, and it’s highly unlikely that I’ll forget you.