For Kev,
Everything I don’t have the guts to actually say to you.

“I miss texting you, I miss seeing you, I miss your strong arms and how your lips on mine make me fee. I even miss you tickling me because I knew it led to more…I miss you kev. I also miss your intense eyes that draw me in and I can’t look away. That would make me say yes to anything you asked.”

That I did tell you, last night, via text like most of our conversations.

I appologized, I was out of line. I knew I was. I told you how I’ve been feeling the past week. I can’t eat. when I do I eat too much. Odd dreams. Not nightmarish enough to keep me awake but not good enough to make me sleep well. Lethargy. I dont want to move. I’m tired all the time. I lash out at people for no good reason and the crying…oh the crying.

I feel worthless.
I literally have to look through the pictures of the people I care about, mostly my little cousins to remind myself that someone would miss me if I were gone.

You say you “care about me a lot and would feel horrible if happened to me”.

You’re not stupid. You noticed that I started feeling this way right after you started brushing me off, ignoring me.

I knew as soon as we slept together you’d freak out. You’d get worried and guilty. I didn’t think you shut yourself away from me like this.

I knew you were ignoring me. but it took me to finally say how messed up I was to get you to admit it. you were finding excuses to not talk to me. to not see me.

…I’d have rather you just told the truth.
I’m not your girlfriend, I know that. so no you don’t have to tell me everything..
but you also don’t have to make excuses or lie to me either.

you blame it on your “emotional problems” which may be a very valid reason
…so basically I’m fucking with your head and instead of saying something you make excuses and run away..

You told me you’re not mad at me. but I’m mad at me. I hate the way I’ve been feeling. I’ve never had a guy affect me like this and i told you I could handle this type of situation.

You were with her last night. After I poured out my heart to you.
You said she wanted to see you after work. I don’t know if you had it planned before I sent those texts or if you wanted to be with her to see if you still felt anything for her…see if you could forget me.

but right there. That’s exactly the type of things I shouldn’t be thinking.

You’re not mine.
I’m not better than her.
She’s your fiance.
I’m your little whore.

I have no right to care about you the way I do. but somehow you have this power over me.
I can’t look away. can’t move away. You mesmerize me.

You say you tried to back off because you were worried we’d fall in love and both get hurt.
…speak for yourself buddy, its a little late over here.

“we have a really strong connection and we just click”
you don’t think I know that? you’re not helping me feel any better.

you’re worried about the way I look at you. and the way you feel about me. you think we’re getting too close. but that you wont end it. unless I want you to.

yeah cause I really have a choice.

my response: “I should want this to end, but I don’t I want to cling to this and not let go”
wow i’m pathetic.

you say you’re not ready to give me up…but that we need to hold back…be more like friends…
…you didn’t think of that before you took my clothes off huh?
only now. once the guilt has set in and had 2 weeks to fester.
once I have been waiting and waiting to see you again.
i’m going insane.

You told me about a not so good time in your life. and how you were happy it got better not for you, but for her. you’re worried she might hate you, she thinks you need help.

you don’t need help.
you need someone you can talk to but you don’t need a shrink.
I wish I could be that person for you.
maybe I could. maybe that’s the kind of “friend” you need.
a vent. someone to bitch to.
I’d be that person for you.

even if you never kissed me, touched me, or anything else again
even if it would kill me to hear about your problems and have her included in them.
even if I know we’d be great for eachother.
even though I know we can’t be.

I fall for you more and more every day. and my heart breaks a little bit more each time I realize yours is with her, not with me.

I say I’m like your doll, with the way you can throw me around, because you’re so strong.
I mean it emotionally too.
You throw me around, like i’m your little doll.
but i’ll take it.
because thats the only way I can have you.

I gave you a hint that I would be posting this
I hope you don’t get too mad
and I hope this can continue at least for the rest of the summer.
though I’m still not entirely sure exactly what you want from me.

I hope you come visit me every once in a while in toledo.
I’ll sure miss you when i’m gone.