Today is Father’s Day. Another Father’s Day that’s passed for me without having a father. I’m really angry at you right now. We needed you. I still need you. You would think that as a grown man I wouldn’t need my father in my life. But I do. I’ve forgiven you already. I had to as part of dealing with the pain. Years have gone by. Decades. I thought most of the pain was gone but it’s not. I try to find ways to get it out. It hurts right now as I type this.
There’s so many things I need to say. I have no one to talk to about this. The pain chips away at my insides. Mom thought I was ok when you died. Everyone thought how strong I was. I wasn’t. I was a kid. I was in shock. I still don’t know why or how you could have done it. And I was the one who found your body. How can I ever erase the images of the blood dripping from your head? Time will not heal this wound. Just when I think I’m alright I realize I’m not. And today I’m just really freaking angry at you.
Did you really think we would be better off? Did you think you were doing us a favor? Selfish. Selfish that all you were. Selfish. A coward. There I said it. You didn’t want to stick around? You didn’t get to see me grow up. Did you really think we would be alright? Guess what. We weren’t. Everyone is gone. You started it. I want to say I hate you but I don’t. I never meant it when I said it. I never meant it when I told you I wish you were dead. I really hope you knew that.
I’m writing this more for me than for you. I’ve said my sorry’s so many times already.
I’m not ok.
Happy Father’s Day.