Dear Dad
by admin • June 17, 2012 • Family Stuff, Those Gone Before Us • 7 Comments
Dear Dad,
Today is Father’s Day. Another Father’s Day that’s passed for me without having a father. I’m really angry at you right now. We needed you. I still need you. You would think that as a grown man I wouldn’t need my father in my life. But I do. I’ve forgiven you already. I had to as part of dealing with the pain. Years have gone by. Decades. I thought most of the pain was gone but it’s not. I try to find ways to get it out. It hurts right now as I type this.
There’s so many things I need to say. I have no one to talk to about this. The pain chips away at my insides. Mom thought I was ok when you died. Everyone thought how strong I was. I wasn’t. I was a kid. I was in shock. I still don’t know why or how you could have done it. And I was the one who found your body. How can I ever erase the images of the blood dripping from your head? Time will not heal this wound. Just when I think I’m alright I realize I’m not. And today I’m just really freaking angry at you.
Did you really think we would be better off? Did you think you were doing us a favor? Selfish. Selfish that all you were. Selfish. A coward. There I said it. You didn’t want to stick around? You didn’t get to see me grow up. Did you really think we would be alright? Guess what. We weren’t. Everyone is gone. You started it. I want to say I hate you but I don’t. I never meant it when I said it. I never meant it when I told you I wish you were dead. I really hope you knew that.
I’m writing this more for me than for you. I’ve said my sorry’s so many times already.
I’m not ok.
Happy Father’s Day.
holy cow man. :/ want to talk? i’m listening, for whatever little that means (or doesn’t mean) to you. i know it doesn’t make sense how someone who doesn’t really know you can say this, but i care, dude. you don’t have to hurt like this. i’m not okay either, but i’ve done that to myself. you don’t have to hurt, take it from one who’s been there and knows the way out. want to talk? i’m listening
–friend
To “friend” thanks for your comment. I wasn’t really expecting anyone to comment but the fact that you did means a lot. Thanks for caring. I feel for whatever pain you’re in and hope you’ll find a way to be ok. My moment of pain has passed. Writing helps. There will be many more, I know from experience. If I really did have someone to talk to would it really help? Doubtful. I will go back to my shell of being. The empty pit of my life. The days will pass. They always do. Dark ones. Bright ones. Gray ones. Mostly they’re more bright than gray or dark. Thankfully. But the darkness lurks around the corner and rears it head from time to time. Thanks for shining a light into that darkness.
well if you ever want to, just comment on this letter and i’m listening, okay?
You know, I really do need to talk. I know I have a lot of pain inside, not just from my father, but from all the scars of life. But I’ve never really been one for talking. I do appreciate you listening. I don’t really know what to say. You said you know the way out? Which way is that? How can I heal from something that happenned so long ago? All the times I thought I could handle what my father did and still every now and then it creeps up on me and socks me when I least expect it. I think it speaks volumes as to my being that it can still affect me so many years later. It’s just a reminder that I’m not ok. I don’t think I ever was.
i know what you mean. there are so many days when i wonder how i could ever get any better. i tried to imagine what my soul would look like if it were personified, and all i could imagine wasn’t exactly pretty. or rather, it was pretty.. pretty scarred and beat up. as for the way out, there’s only one. and it’s an incredibly difficult journey, although totally worth it.
i don’t know what you believe or anything, but the only way to true peace and healing is through Jesus. he feels our pain because he’s been through it, and he can help us if we let him. he heals so much more deeply than just in the body, he cuts down to the very deepest fibers of who we are and what we’ve been through. the hardest part is just letting him, and it’s what i struggle with almost every day. i just want to hang on and take the wheel and go where I want to go rather than where HE knows i need to go. if you want healing, you have to go to the healer, and let him work on you. some days it’s painful, more than you think you’ll be able to bear, but in the end the healing and peace are all that’s left. i don’t know all of what you’ve been through or what you believe, but i know what’s true and that there is healing, so my question for you is this: you have this hurting, and you want healing. will you go to the healer for help? or are you going to try do-it-yourself surgery? i’m listening
–friend
This was heartbreaking to read. I hope one day you can find happiness in your life.
Stay strong.
x
Thanks Sam for your kind words. I hope so too. I’ll keep trying.