To my sister,
I just got together with my mentor/good friend, and whenever he tells me I’m smart and I know too much for my own good, I start to laugh. He never knows why, but it’s because of what I was made to believe by so many people. I’ve always grown up believing I was stupid because our family has always told me I was. Whenever we got our report cards from our principal in grade school, she would always tell me how well you did, and how much better you did than me, and my grades were always in the 95-100 range. Mom, Dad, and you always had your little side comments about my lack of intelligence. As I got older, our parents kept telling me, “You know, college isn’t for everyone.” That may be true, but I guess being on the high honor roll your whole life still isn’t enough. Now you all believe my major is a joke. Yes, you know what? I am a musical theatre major, and I’m proud! It’s the thing that makes me the happiest. It provides an escape from all of you, just for a little while, and having a 3.8, is not too shabby. It makes me laugh that you think I know nothing about the world, and that I’m so naïve and unaware, completely oblivious. I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I know a lot more about people’s thought processes and human emotion more than you could ever know. I know why dad was depressed a couple years ago. Yes, it was because he lost his job, but it was that feeling that he had failed the family. Our grandpa died when he was 10, and he became the man of the house. He was the glue that held that family together, and after losing his job, he felt himself failing everyone. Mom is so angry all of the time, because she believes she has a mediocre life. She hates her job, she is not entirely happy. She wants more out of life. Then there’s you. You’re terrified of rejection, and failure, but most importantly not knowing something, and let’s face it; human emotion isn’t your strong point at all. You’re a very bright girl. You know facts, a lot of information that you can regurgitate, but you are the one that has no idea what the real world is like.
Not one of you knows me at all. I have had life come at me for years now. Right now I’m dealing with friends who are seriously depressed, and some of them are suicidal. I was sexually assaulted a couple times, I’ve been beaten up throughout the years, I have a lot of friends coming to me for advice and comfort for whatever problems they have, and I babysit you all when you guys decide to get wasted. Neither Dad nor you know that Mom pushes me around and hits me when she has too much to drink, because you’re so wasted. I’ve seen a lot. So don’t you dare tell me that I don’t know what the world is like! You all think that the reason I keep to myself is because I have no idea what’s going on. On the contrary, I observe and take in everything that’s going on around me. I observe a lot, but I don’t say much. I’m completely aware of what’s going on.