Some days, I don’t even feel like trying. I don’t want to get out of bed, and I especially don’t want to face the day. How is it, that even though we are not together, you still have this hold on me? It’s been over a month now, and it still feels as fresh as it did yesterday. The only way I can explain how it feels, is to compare myself to a wound. Every time I feel like I start to heal, I rip back open and have to bear the burn and pain until I start to heal again. It’s a cycle.
You have turned me into damaged goods. I am now broken. I have a heavy heart, and don’t trust. I’m afraid. You violated, betrayed, used, and hurt me emotionally, physically, and mentally. I used to forgive to easily, but I will never forgive you. You don’t deserve a single ounce of my forgiveness.
I tried to stick it out with you for as long as I could; I didn’t want it to get to the point that it did. I was vulnerable, and you knew how to take advantage of me after we would fight. You would mistake my kindness for weakness; How I wish you would tell me you were sorry, but truthfully, it wouldn’t even matter. No words could take back the horrible things you did to me that night; your violence and rage haunts me. I have so much hate in my heart for you. You raped me, threatened to kill me, and grabbed me by the throat. I wanted to leave and you held me captive for almost 6 hours before I finally coaxed you into letting me go. You think something like that is a joke, or funny? Well, the joke is now on you. I hope you realize what you had, and what YOU lost. You did this to us. I took action against your actions. I could never fathom doing to someone, what you’ve done for me.
I made excuse after excuse for you to my friends and family. My relationship with my best friend out here became so severed because you manipulated me into thinking she was out to destroy our relationship; realistically, you were the one who was destroying it. You were verbally abusive to me, calling me a bitch or a whore. You were controlling; the entire time we dated I was allowed to go out with my friends 3 times, and each time you would obsessively call my cell phone. You would threaten me if I didn’t abide to your rules. You’ve threatened to post naked pictures of me on the internet, you threatened to damage my vehicle, and you’ve threatened to kill yourself and make me watch.
I have spent countless hours just trying to wrap my mind around everything, and make sense of it. I don’t understand how or why you did this to me. I deserve someone who is not going to make me afraid of him, someone who can love me and bring out the best in me. Someone who understands what personal space is, someone who doesn’t hurt my feelings every opportunity they get, and someone who doesn’t feel inclined to raise their fist at me whenever they are angry. It was your job as a man to keep me safe, to protect me from harm, and love me. I pity you. You will never be able to live up being a real man.
I hope you do realize how much I loved you, and how badly you messed up. You committed crimes, and went to jail. We both know what really happened that night, and I hope those holes that you punched and kicked in your wall are a constant reminder of how fucked up you are. Do not ever try to seek my forgiveness; please believe me when I say, that no matter how far down the road, or how much you think you deserve to be forgiven, you disgust me and I will never, ever forgive you.
Best of luck in life, I’m sure you will need it.