Thinking of “you”, but not of “us”.
by admin • June 12, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 19 Comments
I know why I am waiting, at least I think I do.
I know why I entertain thoughts of you contacting me, trying to rebuild our bridge and keep our “spark” alive, or reignite it — whichever terms would suit you.
I know why a part of me wishes for you to return to me, apologize, and try to regain all that we had before, or even start anew in the realm of second chances.
Yet, I have also determined that should such a scenario play out, I will deny you. I will let you go as you’ve let me go. I will shut you out and collapse the bridge before it is even built.
And if my thoughts become reality, I ask: do not think harshly of me, as cold as the above may sound. You know the depths my heart contains and that I would never smite you deliberately. But contact with you surfaces the pain, the scars, the searing brand tattooed on my heart and breaks it open once again. I have conceded already the unbridgeable gap between us, and so I hope you know I hold on to you no longer.
And yet I do, because I still think about you. But instead of the longing for what is passed, it is the desire for you to return to me so that I may end it myself. Because somewhere within me a window is left cracked open, allowing a draft to blow right through, ruffling my feathers the wrong way. And this rejection would find that window, close it, and latch it tightly.
I know you are going to initiate contact again, because I know YOU. I let go of you originally, and then tried to get you back. You turned me down, and that hurt. I didn’t expect that, because I was sure you still loved me and wanted to try again. I guess you were scared, not that I blame you. Is it revenge? Retribution? A need to be in control that this desire resonates within me?
I don’t think so. A part of me just wants to be wanted in the way you used to want me, and in the way I know you are capable of wanting me. But you rejected me when I gave you the chance and let you in. *sigh* I don’t know…. Perhaps I’m just twisted. Maybe I *do* just want to be in control and have the final word, because the result will still be the same; just on my terms.
In a sense, there is still an open door, slightly ajar, but wide enough to squeeze through, if you decided you wanted to try. Because our closure is far from complete, despite the terms of our last encounter. I will put my foot down and insist it will not work. That we are better off where we are instead of setting an intersecting course for each other. That I want you to never contact me again and if you do, I will change my number and all my contact information. But in the span of that conversation, there will be a small window of opportunity to CONVINCE me otherwise, and PROVE to me that we are meant to be. If you do not take it, I will pursue other paths. And the longer you wait, the more that window will shrink because I have already started chasing another interest.
So it all depends on where your heart lies, and why it is dwelling there. I am open minded, but I am also tired and weary of the cat and mouse that we have played for seemingly forever. I want it to end, and I am hoping it already has and that your intentions for talking to me match mine for talking to you — meaning: nonexistent. But I fear it is too much to hope for and that these scars must be reopened at least once more.
I have evidence that suggests perhaps you browse this site, so there is a chance you will see this letter, however slim that may be. If you do, well, then now you know where I stand. And if you must, use your intuition to fill in the empty spaces. I will be leaving soon, and I can promise you that by then, it will be too late and that gap will have closed indefinitely. I never gave you a date because I didn’t know at the time, but even now that I *do* know, I will not offer up that information. But rest assured, it is quite “soon”.
I am based all on assumption and possibilities because I have no solid facts on my side. And you are perhaps the toughest person to read that I have ever met. This is my disclaimer for this letter.
Oh my gosh, I could of sworn this sounds like my friend Jason who wrote this, and even scarier that you would find me on here, but I think I get your drift if it is, and you are right…been thinking about it just today actually. Weird. If it is then I know what your answer is then and will always will be and won’t touch the subject further although I would have suggested for old wounds to be opened for one more chance. I guess you don’t want that though.
If it’s not you then I hope and wish the best for the author and that true love and happiness await you around the corner.
You’re a douche. I hope the person finds this letter and laughs like I did.
@ that girl:
I apologize, but I am not he, though I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not. I suppose it all depends on your need to know your situation, but I wish you the best in whatever situation you find yourself in.
@Jaclynn J:
Perhaps she will laugh as much as I did in reading your comment lol. Funny, how we are so quick to judge others based on a small sampling of impulsive writing. I’m not trying to sound condescending, but you don’t understand my situation or what has happened between the two of us over the past two years — the fireworks, the conflagration, the passion and life, the power outtages and the doubts, the heart-wrenching decisions that pummeled us both like hail and the aftermath of ruined crops and shattered windshields leaving us bruised and scarred.
I loved her with my whole soul — every sinew that composed my heart screamed her name with such a passion and longing I could not contain it! But I hit a valley; I screwed up, and I damaged her in ways I could not imagine. By the time I realized my mistake and tried to make it right, she’d have none of me. This was almost a year ago. I’ve since moved on, but I fear my wounds lie just beneath the surface, ready to burst at the mere sound of her voice speaking in a platonic language once again. Is it so wrong that I wish to protect my own tender heart? She can find joy, happiness, and Love apart from me; of that I am sure, and so it is better this way.
And yet, I always leave that spark of hope; that single pinhole of light with the potential to change everything! Or did you skip over paragraph number seven? I realize I cannot control or predict everything, and anything is possible, especially if it is willed by God. But I am just trying to live my life and prepare for that which it may throw my way.
Forgive my lengthy response. I blame it on my writing genes. But I am one who tries to help people see — help them understand that which is hidden from the average eye. It’s okay if you still think me a douche. It actually makes me laugh because I can see where your response comes from. But I would advise you to be more observant before making judgments on such a small sampling of a person’s character.
Wtf is going on here? This seems completely inside the letter it self and then the fist girls response …. Although Jason is a very common name …. Leads me to believe that maybe the Jason I’m thinking about is a player like I thought and is / playing lots of games ….. Any way who ever wrote this letter needs to be the strong smart man that he is and say directly to the person he is referring too call them ….
I’ve deleted contact information so … Even though I may want to contact I won’t and it’s not a game or ego it’s protection from feelings in order for me to take care of my self
Xoxox
Also I really think it could work I know it would – but I can’t be the only one to actually believe it he or you would have to
jasons a common name… but what are the odds that the same situation with the same name could happen twice ,… well i guess in my life its possible b/c my life is so weird like a movie….
I guess you were the one that lied… playing me and others at the same…
im glad you are chasing some one els… your avoiding your past and on to the next and doing the same thing over and over….
but id say this just like the girl above me… ( i guess you have a magical effect on lost of women) i do believe that we could work… that we balance each other out that we would grow together and have shit tons of fun together for a long long time…
I need to hear it from you… those times you say tried to let me in?? you didn’t really b/c if they were clear then I would have taken my chances and told u how a felt at an earlier time..
any way if this is not you… or is and your playing lots of people then good luck
but if we have no connection and u are just another person going through confusion and ache …
you have to tell the person directly … you must know that nothing is certain , thinking and knowing some one reads this page is completely diff. reading things online unless the person gives u black and white proof that they are writing on line for u … you have no clue
“nd you are perhaps the toughest person to read ” there where times when my person said that to me and then times where he said he could read me but I new he couldn’t even when we had a last encounter … but thats life what makes it interesting is not knowing exactly what the other person is thinking or feeling
but to make a relationship happen or work you need to be clear on a few things!
Dear Author,
It seems as if this first bridge that you speak of between you and this person was made out of nothing stronger than tissue paper, at best. It also appears as if YOU are the one hung up and afraid to make contact with this person directly just to satisfy some sort of egotistical fantasy you have to make them feel as tortured as you obviously seem to be over your particular scenario. Why have you already skipped to the end to your seemingly gothic novel before you have even had the chance to read the entire book? You say you tried to get this person back and were denied yet came here to plea with them once again in some half assed way, only to tell them that have no chance of happiness with you. Not even a date? Why bother? YOU have already made the decision to reject and to seal the fate of any type of hope or trust that may marginally existed in the first place. Indeed you are “twisted” and use talk of potential love as a weapon like it’s some sort of archaic bargaining tool or a like a sermon of your inter most demons. My assumption is that you are the one scarred and just as scared. It would be my guess that this person is too… Maybe if you had taken the time to get to know them, you may know this. They don’t want nor need a cracked window. Maybe you should try opening a door once in a while, step into the sunlight and just say your peace without holding yourself and this person hostage in some unrealistic and hurtful fantasy that you have played out over and over in your head. It sounds like you want this person to beg you in some way. How bad did they actually hurt you? Unforgivable? I think not, or you would not be here writing this… If they have any self worth at all, they will deny you once again … and move on to someone who wants their love purely and honestly. YOUR obvious desire for this person’s soul –only suits your needs- and the need is only for the sake of simply owning it. I would doubt this person will contact you again… So while you look at your stop watch and wait for the impending storm to come your way, go ahead and leave your window cracked … you can never truly predict the weather these days … Just be sure to close it when it finally does rain…
Angel
@ author,
Thank you. Closure is all that I really need actually. But it would require opening up old wounds that now I’m too afraid to ask about. Nice that you are being brave enough to want to close one chapter for good in your life. I think it might heal and you can finally move forward with the one who appreciates all that you are now. Wish you well.
@Angel
Very harsh indeed, but I will bear it nonetheless. No need to lecture me on Love, bonds, and relationships. I have a fairly solid understanding of that area, contrary to the implications in the content of the above letter and comment.
I am a writer: this is something very important to understand. That means I try to sift through the conglomeration of thoughts and emotions through the motions of my pen in an attempt to make sense of them all. You are absolutely right in all you’ve said. I have read through all I have written on this page and I would have written the exact comment you did had this been another author. Or close enough, anyways.
It is also important to understand my humanity. We all have monsters and demons living inside of us. We are all twisted in our own ways, but most try to suppress and bury it beneath layers of good intentions. This letter… it strips the veil from my deepest and most sinister monsters; a reflection I can barely stand to look into the eye.
I am honestly just very confused and uncertain about this whole situation with her and trying very much to rationalize my thoughts about her. That was my intent in writing this letter: to explore that confusion and try to untangle the mass of wires so I know which is which, and where each one goes and why it goes there. I have thought I let her go and moved on with my life, yet thoughts and memories linger like the fog into the late morning, refusing to dissipate in the warming air.
It has never been about “me”, really. It never really is and so sometimes I wish it could be for a change, in anything, for anybody. When I was with her, I made it all about her. I made a difference in her life. THAT is what I want again, more than anything! To make a difference. It is natural to want that which you used to have, but was taken from you. It is natural to believe that something which used to work could work again. Is it not?
LINS is a site of release, and I often use it to work things through my mind, writing on impulse and submitting my unfiltered work without any editing or second thought. This letter happened to reveal a darker side of me; one I wasn’t even aware existed until comments such as your own and Jaclynn’s. And I thank you for that. Would I really put my foot down and reject her outright as i claimed? Probably not, if I truly thought it out. I’m not really wired that way.
*sigh* Matters of the heart are never easy to resolve, or even understand. I did Love her, in the way Love is meant to exist; not the way it was poorly expressed above by myself. And I am sure I will melt again if she does indeed contact me. She has that affect on me and I can’t explain it, considering the year and a half we’ve been apart.
Again, I thank you for your brutal honesty and assessment of what I have written. It has allowed me to put things into a clearer perspective.
@ author,
I realize that curiosity killed the cat… but why all of the power outages? I at least hope you know what to do in those fantastic opportune situations.
Angel
It makes me sad to think that I could be this girl you speak of. It was almost a year ago we stopped any contact and it was a hard thing for me to do. I’m sorry if it is you… I have thought about contacting you but my better judgement in not getting completely ripped apart emotionally prevented me from doing so. Sorry about how things ended.
Wow! I can completely relate to this letter; however as much as I would like to believe that my soulmate has written here for me, I know it is not him writing” Thinking Of You, Not Us” I’m in the same situation though, waiting and waiting, for him to make a move and contact me first. I’ve grown so tired of playing this game of chess. Who’s going to move first? It is exhausting, and I really have exhausted all of my resources trying to clue him in on how I feel. The real reason I do not contact him is because of fear of all those things stated above in the Author’s letter. Tell me something “Author”, why do wait so long for someone you actually just plan on rejecting anyway? What if this person truly loves you and is scared to death of you, because of all the reasons you
Listed above?
Maybe that person wishes you could initiate contact, whether you want to give it a second go-round or you want closure. Can you really blame that person for not initiating contact? Maybe that “person” is afraid that you will break their heart. Maybe she has picked up the phone many times, and just never placed the call. Maybe she was considering calling and then used her intuition and changed her mind. I always follow my intuition. Maybe you should look at the big picture. Or perhaps send her the letter that you are too afraid to send.
@Angel
I’m not sure I understand all the power outages myself. The fuse box was nailed by a bolt of lightning when we broke up, and over the last several months it would spark back to life for an varying amount of time before sputtering and dying again in the most gruesome manner. It truly was a game of cat and mouse. After a couple or a few months of not speaking, one of us would initiate contact with the other. Then something would happen mentally or emotionally to one of us and we wouldn’t speak for another few months. And it went on like that for a year and a half, the last time we spoke being just a couple months ago.
The very first few months it was her being hurt and me trying the “just friends” thing, because I broke up with her. It wasn’t working. Then as time went on the roles reversed. I visited her for the first time after the break up to “talk”, and that is when I tried to start anew and mend what I destroyed. At first it looked like things would be alright between us, that we would pull through. Then something changed as we talked that night: so subtly at first but the implications became clear. It was *she* who pulled the “friends” card and turned it around on me. I can’t begin telling you how much that hurt. And so for the last 9 or 10 months the town would remain dark with the occasional flicker coming about once every two to three months and dying just as quickly as it appeared. Each time we speak, I tell myself I’ll be strong, to not fall for her as I have all the other times and keep the pain at bay, but each time I fail and my longing for her is increased, despite what she says about her feelings for me. Last time we spoke two months ago she had said something kept pulling her to me and that she had a hard time letting go, but she would still pull the “friend” card, and that just cannot work for me. Am I just that weak? Not being able to maintain a friendship with someone I once was in love with?
Anyways, I have since tried to move on. I’ve started talking to another woman and I really like her, and I know she likes me. The only thing keeping me from pursuing a relationship with her is the physical distance, but even that may melt away in just a couple months here. I can’t keep holding on to the woman who is the object of discussion here, because she has given me an answer, and that answer leaves me free to pursue this new interest. I can’t count on her changing her mind, can I? For all I know she’s already found somebody else.
Yet she still haunts me from time to time, as evident by the writing of this letter. So I really am not sure. Do I know what to do in those “fantastic opportune situations”? Depends on the situation. If our next contact is the same as all the others, it will likely end like all the others. But what if she comes to me, only this time with new intentions at reconciliation? I can honestly say I have no idea how I’d handle that situation. I suppose only time will tell, but part of me doesn’t want to find out.
Again, I must ask that you forgive my long, detailed explanations. Probably more detail than you care to know. But there is so much more detail I can include, but I will refrain. I am just writing as much for your benefit as I am my own.
Dear Author,
Although my response to you was indeed – harsh, it was merely a natural reciprocation of the deep emotions that your letter stirred inside myself after I read it. If you felt as if I lectured you on the “ABC’s” of love, then my apologies. I am certain that you are quite knowledgeable on the subject, so a stranger with a pen and an opinion bears no true assessment of who you really are.
Secondly, you are most certainly correct. LINS is a place where you can write and release all emotions where pesky editing and second thoughts get in the way of your initial carnal instincts. Like you, I come here to write what’s on my mind, but mainly to write what’s in my heart on that particular day. I too came here for the first time about a year ago to rid my mind of someone who affected me quite deeply. He spoke to my heart in a way than no one else in the world has ever touched me before. You see, I am cynic of love. I think most people only speak of it when it conveniently suits their needs, then leave or destroy it before the first bud has had a chance to blossom. For some, like myself… it can be a very scary place. Wounds that will always need mending, and for some – it is not a burden that is easily accepted. I really don’t know what happened. I have always been so sure of myself, a beautiful confident woman and certainly had never been afraid of man’s spoken word quite in this way, but this is what he does. This is his life and his career. He earned it and should be very proud of the many people he has affected in a positive way in his life. I can’t go into details, for I have sworn to forever protect him in silence… but let’s just say , things became very confusing. He then began to scare me and I him with intense talk of passion and it was just more than either one of us were ready for at the time. These gaps in the details are only for he and I to know of. They are huge, life changing scenarios and respectfully – private..…. But there were also many mixed signals, manmade gadgets, nervous communication and shields of armor around our hearts so big our minds kept failing us like a rope made out of dust. Regardless of all of that, I felt higher than I have ever been and also weaker and tired than I have in my entire life.
I know that if this person tried to contact me today, I would jump at the chance to run to him and try to ignite the spark we once had and light his world on absolute fire. I would hope to answer all the questions we were unable to discuss at the time and go on and on for hours with a combination of words and intense lovemaking, but trust me, I would barely take a breath in between. It is that wish that often crosses my mind … It may in fact be too late for me, but if you have these feelings still and are trying to move on with someone else, you may actually be denying this new person the full depths of your heart that the other one clearly possess.
You see, your fear may indeed be her same fear as well. Together, you may be stronger than you think and should just pick up whatever type of communication device suits you, and make the move before you forever deny what your heart what it obviously most desires. She just might be waiting on you too…..
If you make this final move of declaration for her and she then rejects you once more, you will then have your true answer. That is my disclaimer on this response to you.
Angel
Enjay/Author
Well, you seem to at least have your head on straight about the situation and these conundrums of the heart are entirely each of ours to endure. If she has asked for your friendship rather than giving you what you know you deserve from her, then fate may have already answered the question for you at this point. As a woman, I can tell you that she has more than likely made that decision to ask you for a friendship because she wants to keep you around in some way. If that is too much to bare for yourself, then don’t do it. If she adds something to your life that suggests you can count on her in a time of need or desire her opinion on things, then if and when you are ready to be her friend, do so- but with caution.
I am happy to hear that you are moving on with someone whom you care about and can actively pursue a real connection with. That is what we all want. At the end of the day, the cliche’ remains true. Actions speak louder than words – and she is not there. It is the people in your life that show up daily to and stay by your side or catch you when you fall when you fall. In this journey -that is life, that are truly the magnificent ones!
If she ever does try to sneak through that window again, be careful and just know that is who she is. Maybe that is all she will ever be capable of when it comes to what you have.
I must say, your letter has certainly had many readers, so if she does get to see it and know it’s for her. She may indeed, end up the fool.
Angel
Hmm… This certainly has been an interesting journey, no matter how short it may have been. You are certainly quite wise, Angel, and I thank you for the wisdom you have imparted. Indeed, she has admitted to still wanting me around, but half the time I have unconsciously pushed her away and she closes up on me as I have closed up on her. It truly is a fatiguing rollercoaster and a ride that I sincerely hope is over, but a feeling in my gut tells me it’s not… I suppose all that is left is to ride it to the end and take the turns as they come. And if by chance she does see this letter, it is also the comments that must be read: ones like these that will offer up the bigger picture. I’m sure her reaction may be similar to your initial comment, but sometimes with her I never really know… (she is bi-polar).
But thank you so much for your encouragement and perspective: perspective is everything. I do have a great road ahead of me and I am looking forward to every step of it (well, almost every step) :-p I wish you the best as well on your own journey, that your definition of joy and happiness may find you, or that you find them: whichever works best for you.
Enjay/Author,
You are going to come across many people in your life that are bi-polar. And it is completely manageable for most. It’s not a death sentence- it does however take a truly understanding person to accept it, but then the person with the bi-polar has a responsibility to maintain it properly and not use it as an excuse for every thing they are unable to manage. I know this latter part from personal experience with an ex. He was severely bi-polar. I hung in there for over 3 1/2 years, as long as I could, but he was unwilling to take better care of himself. It was a losing battle. It was very exhausting. This is not the same person I spoke of in the above comments btw… I would never run back the monster I speak of now… After one last blow up, I ended it abruptly and have not looked back since that day. There is only so much one person can take. There are different degrees of bp, so by all means his was not the typical case. I would not want anyone to think that this scenario is likely to happen. ( I hope) Anger and mood swings quickly turned into verbal and mental abuse. I never knew what mood he would be in on a day to day basis. I always felt like I was walking on a cracked glass ceiling…And it damaged me in ways. But time takes care of the physical ones , as well as the mental. But eventually ,I crawled out of dark and back into the light again…where I belong.
Whatever your case may be, I am sure you will make the right decision.
Take Care and Good Luck,
angel
Angel,
I absolutely agree with you, regarding the manageable part of people with BPD. It had no affect on my initial decision to break up, and has been easily taken into account during my considerations of reconciliation. I did not date her as long as you did your ex (only six months), but I learned enough about her and BPD to figure out how to manage it (I’d had no previous experience or knowledge of bi-polar disorder). She is also severely bi-polar, and she’d go ballistic sometimes from the smallest of triggers, often times directed at her mother. Interestingly enough, she NEVER directed her harsh mood swings towards me, whether intentionally or not, at least not until we broke up and THEN she unloaded on me, but that was more than understandable. I mean, I’d broken her heart, so I took it all in stride.
There was plenty of fatigue and exhaustion going around, because she WAS difficult to deal with sometimes, but I’d learned to love her anyways. In a way, her unpredictable mood swings became predictable to me. I could tell that certain things would set her off and I was rarely caught off guard. It was certainly an interesting relationship, and obviously one I regret ending, despite the mental drain that resulted from time to time.
Anyways, I only really mentioned her condition to explain the difficulty in really knowing how she’d react to certain things, especially in our current situation. I meant in no way to downgrade those with bi-polar or other mental disabilities, in case that was inferred by anyone reading. It had no bearing on my decision making in regards to any potential relationship with her. God has blessed me with tremendous patience, and that was invaluable during the time we were together, in more ways than one.
And now I must apply that patience in other areas of my life now, primarily waiting to see which special person He decides to place in my life, whether it be her, this other girl I’m talking to now, or someone entirely different. So we will see where this path I am taking leads me. Less than two and a half months left until it changes directions drastically, riding parallel to the current of career.
But it gladdens me to know you are in the light once again, because groping around surrounded by darkness is such a drain. However, a word of caution: be careful that that same light does not shine directly into your eyes and blind you either, for then it will be just as useful as the darkness you crawled out from. Rather, use it to illuminate your path and expel the shadows that attempt to linger.
My best wishes go with you,
Enjay
Enjay,
Again, thank you for your kind words. I only skip on the path that I had originally made for myself. It is only illuminated by the light on my own terms. I certainly hope I do not blind myself or anyone else who decides to go along with me, but you are right..no matter what, I will try my hardest to use caution from here on out.
Never to get off that road; never to stray or make a U turn for anyone or anything that wants to pull me off of it again…
I know that the shadows will always linger close by me ; they stand only as a reminder now of why I should have resisted the urge to veer off my own path so impulsively in the first place.
I wonder what’s at the end….
This is my last post to this letter.
Take Care Enjay,
I’ll see you around LINS
Angel