I know why I am waiting, at least I think I do.
I know why I entertain thoughts of you contacting me, trying to rebuild our bridge and keep our “spark” alive, or reignite it — whichever terms would suit you.
I know why a part of me wishes for you to return to me, apologize, and try to regain all that we had before, or even start anew in the realm of second chances.
Yet, I have also determined that should such a scenario play out, I will deny you. I will let you go as you’ve let me go. I will shut you out and collapse the bridge before it is even built.
And if my thoughts become reality, I ask: do not think harshly of me, as cold as the above may sound. You know the depths my heart contains and that I would never smite you deliberately. But contact with you surfaces the pain, the scars, the searing brand tattooed on my heart and breaks it open once again. I have conceded already the unbridgeable gap between us, and so I hope you know I hold on to you no longer.
And yet I do, because I still think about you. But instead of the longing for what is passed, it is the desire for you to return to me so that I may end it myself. Because somewhere within me a window is left cracked open, allowing a draft to blow right through, ruffling my feathers the wrong way. And this rejection would find that window, close it, and latch it tightly.
I know you are going to initiate contact again, because I know YOU. I let go of you originally, and then tried to get you back. You turned me down, and that hurt. I didn’t expect that, because I was sure you still loved me and wanted to try again. I guess you were scared, not that I blame you. Is it revenge? Retribution? A need to be in control that this desire resonates within me?
I don’t think so. A part of me just wants to be wanted in the way you used to want me, and in the way I know you are capable of wanting me. But you rejected me when I gave you the chance and let you in. *sigh* I don’t know…. Perhaps I’m just twisted. Maybe I *do* just want to be in control and have the final word, because the result will still be the same; just on my terms.
In a sense, there is still an open door, slightly ajar, but wide enough to squeeze through, if you decided you wanted to try. Because our closure is far from complete, despite the terms of our last encounter. I will put my foot down and insist it will not work. That we are better off where we are instead of setting an intersecting course for each other. That I want you to never contact me again and if you do, I will change my number and all my contact information. But in the span of that conversation, there will be a small window of opportunity to CONVINCE me otherwise, and PROVE to me that we are meant to be. If you do not take it, I will pursue other paths. And the longer you wait, the more that window will shrink because I have already started chasing another interest.
So it all depends on where your heart lies, and why it is dwelling there. I am open minded, but I am also tired and weary of the cat and mouse that we have played for seemingly forever. I want it to end, and I am hoping it already has and that your intentions for talking to me match mine for talking to you — meaning: nonexistent. But I fear it is too much to hope for and that these scars must be reopened at least once more.
I have evidence that suggests perhaps you browse this site, so there is a chance you will see this letter, however slim that may be. If you do, well, then now you know where I stand. And if you must, use your intuition to fill in the empty spaces. I will be leaving soon, and I can promise you that by then, it will be too late and that gap will have closed indefinitely. I never gave you a date because I didn’t know at the time, but even now that I *do* know, I will not offer up that information. But rest assured, it is quite “soon”.
I am based all on assumption and possibilities because I have no solid facts on my side. And you are perhaps the toughest person to read that I have ever met. This is my disclaimer for this letter.