I feel stupid
by admin • June 5, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Abuse, Frustration • 4 Comments
I feel stupid. Last year, at the beginning of my senior year of high school, I was working my theatre internship. My mentor asked me to get something from her car that was a parked a little further away. I was walking down the street, and before I knew it a man grabbed me and pinned me against a wall. He kissed me. That was my first kiss unfortunately. He ripped my shirt open, and put his hand up my skirt. He touched me. When I screamed for him to stop and said no, he punched me in the face. I’ve been punched in the face before, but this was the hardest I’ve ever been hit. I kicked him while he was unzipping his pants, and I ran. After catching my breath, I went back to my job, and I never told anyone about the incident. I went to school the next day trying to forget what had happened. I went back to that job every single night. I don’t want anybody to ever find out. Everyone has their own problems to deal with. It’s not their responsibility. I feel stupid because it shouldn’t be a big deal. I wasn’t raped. I got away with a ripped shirt and some bruises and minor cuts. Plus, it was my fault. I was stupid enough to walk downtown at 2 in the morning wearing a skirt. I was a target because I am weak and pathetic. I should be able to sleep. I shouldn’t be having nightmares and flashbacks, especially now. I shouldn’t be paranoid. I shouldn’t be questioning if every person’s intentions. I should be able to forget about this whole thing. I know it’s not a big deal. People go through worse, a lot worse. What is wrong with me? I’m just being stupid, and overdramatic.
There is nothing wrong with you. I’d be petrified to leave my house. You are a strong woman, and even though I don’t know you I am beyond proud of you for keeping that job. I think you should tell someone in your real life who you trust, and realize that you are a strong strong woman.
you are not weak, nor pathetic. It is a natural reaction to an attack. Even though you weren’t raped, you were violated, your privacy forcefully invaded by a stranger. people who are mugged or robbed feel these things afterwards. What happened was no small thing, though not the worst. We all feel our problems proportionately. This might be one of the most awful things that ever happened to you, and psychologically, it isn’t surprising that you are a little paranoid. I hope and pray things get better for you.
I just read your post and my heart goes out to you. I don’t usually post comments but felt I should give you advice on this. Bring this incident to the light. Talk to someone you trust and let it out. As long as it is hidden and in the darkest part of your mind it can hurt you. I know because I have been hurt in this way also. The more you can discuss it the less power it has over you. This was not your fault and you did not deserve this in anyway. And last but not least PRAY! Seriously. God is always in control and he has a plan for your life.
You’re not overly dramatic or pathetic. you have every right to feel the horror and pain you feel. I have always struggled with the same feelings you have. But ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. Every woman should be able to walk safely down the street anytime of day wearing anything they want. You are amazingly brave. My heart goes out to you. Please let those you love help you heal.