I’m going to miss you.
It’s going to be an ache in my chest that I can’t quite get rid of.
It’s going to be four years before you come back, and during that time we will both grow, both fall in and out of love, succeed and fail, change and transform, cry, laugh, shout.

I love you.

And I know that there is a time and a place to tell you. I’ve been here as others have won your heart, I’ve felt the questions rise up, the jealousy and uncertainty in their eyes. And my own. But they are gone and I’m still here. I’ll still be here when you get back and who am I kidding? You’ll be the driving force behind a Tour I never would have gotten around to booking. I’ll crash on your couch for a week on the other side of the country and it will be heaven. We’ll go to shows around town. I’ll teach you two chords on the banjo because thats all you need to play old time music, and we will jam until 2 am. For a week I’ll live in a fantasy land in my head, reading into everything you say way more than you mean. And then I’ll hop back on the train back to Eden.

There are things that complicate this. Age and maturity differences. lifestyle and goals. the time and place. Grammar, spelling and academia. We also both know that I probably shouldn’t have dated your brother, but at the same time if it weren’t for these things we wouldn’t have had that amazing winter together without the complications intimacy brings. We wouldn’t have had snowy glades and Settlers of Catan and music in the evening. We wouldn’t be friends. I don’t regret it.

so when we say our goodbyes this is what I mean when I say:

I’m going to miss you – I mean more than my boyfriend when he goes away for months at a time, more than my grandmother and more than Ice-cream. I’m going to miss you more when it snows. I’m going to have a moment at the top of a mountain where I shout to Ullr and all other gods of snow and mountain how much I miss you, how much it sucks that you are so far away. I’ll send you a photo of the run afterwards so you know what you are missing. You might hate me a bit.

why do you have to go?- I’m not dumb, I know the answer to that, I know that the navy owns your ass and there is nothing you or I can do. but I want you to know its still processing, that if I could find a way to make you stay I would. I don’t want you to go. I’m being selfish because I know you don’t want to leave either but I’m still bringing it up

I love you – As a friend and so much more. Love is not something we run out of. You can love more than one person at a time. I’ve proved that over and over again. Had we met under different circumstances this might have been a different letter. one filled with anger and regret over a breakup. Instead the best thing is: I get to keep you.

I’m your friend.

so thank you.

I’m going to miss you.

don’t go.

I love you.

and if you ever read this you will know who I am. the reason I haven’t written you a song yet is because I want it to be the best I’ve ever written. But I think you every time I sing.

goodbye,