The side that won’t be told.
by admin • May 28, 2012 • Betrayal • 7 Comments
Dearest Amy,
Is it wrong that I am completely disgusted with you? Is it wrong that I now think you completely deserve your overreactions and unhappiness? Is it wrong that I don’t care anymore?
You were my best friend and you had just revealed to me that you cut yourself. And instead of running away like you thought I would, I stayed and told you that I was in recovery of that very same thing. I made you stop cutting. After months and months of being your own personal therapist, seeing to it that you always knew you were loved, and putting all of my time and general health into making sure you’d live another day, I needed help.
I was on the verge of relapse and you ignored me. Wait, I /wish/ you had ignored me. What you actually did was much worse. According to you, I had been being less than the perfect person I was to you over the past few months. So you started “being straightforward” with me. I told you I needed help, and you dismissed it. You started telling me how horrible I was to you. You started telling me that I didn’t respect you. You started telling me that /I/ was one of the major reasons you were always contemplating suicide. To a girl who sacrificed her time, health, good grades, and clean-streak for you, this killed.
I can tell you for certain that I have never cut with the intent of dying like I did that night. Normally I just don’t care if it happens. But I tried to die that night. All because you wouldn’t listen. Is it wrong for me to think that you should have been able to listen once? Especially after I had listened to you every single day for months? Despite what you think, you aren’t the center of my world. Not everything will always revolve around you. But that’s no reason to make the ones who are doing everything they can fell like shit. No one can tolerate that forever. But I did.
When I woke up the next morning, I cleaned myself up and tried to focus on being better. Your little brainwashing session had worked on me. I took everything you said as the truth and tried to learn from it. Being around you made me physically ill. I’m honestly surprised that no one told guidance that I was bulimic or something. But I had to get over it. I had to make sure that you were always going to be okay. It didn’t help that you’d threaten me with cutting every time things weren’t going the way you wanted them to. You knew what that did to me. I didn’t want to care about you anymore, but I couldn’t stop.
I did, however, stop trusting you to be my friend. I turned to the only other person I knew would be willing to talk to me. One of my good friends from grade school. Super sweet person. He was the only person I had left that I considered a friend.
You met him /once/ and decided that he was your one true love. Excuse me while I say FUCK YOU. Your flirtatious and generally whoreish self landed you dates with my best friend, who you were quite aware that I’d had a crush on for a while. As I was trying to distance myself from you, you were infecting parts of my life that I didn’t even mention to you. It was cruel. I didn’t deserve it.
What was worse was that he dumped you. You came crawling back to me for help that I didn’t want to give you. You were still expecting me to /want/ to help you. After everything that happened, you thought I owed you something. You’ve never done anything for me, but I’ve sacrificed everything for you.
You are the reason I want to die. You are the reason I broke my recovery and started cutting regularly again. You are the reason I can’t eat without throwing up. You are the reason I can’t date him even though he likes me. You are the reason that every shred of self-respect and self-confidence I had built up is destroyed.
Maybe it’s not fair to put all the blame on you, but you certainly caused each one of those things to happen. And despite how badly I want everyone to know how much of a bitch you are, I can’t tell them. I can’t break you like you broke me. I could never do that to someone. I guess you’re lucky that you chose to destroy a good person.
Stop trying to guilt me into caring about you now. I cannot handle you anymore. I really didn’t do anything to you that wasn’t well deserved. My continued absence from your life is my last attempt as saving my own. There comes a point when I have to stop being generous and take care of myself. And I just can’t deal with your shit anymore. I’m sorry that I’m not sorry, really.
So, you tell me, is it wrong that I’m completely disgusted with you? Is it wrong that I think you completely deserve your overreactions and unhappiness? Is it wrong that I don’t care?
I don’t think it’s wrong.
Love,
Molly
I don’t think you’re wrong…
Keep strong. Even at your lowest, keep strong. Because just like how it affected you when she threatened to cut, think about what your friend would feel like if he knew you cut. The knife isn’t your friend, that boy is. And even though I don’t even know you, I’m your friend too. I once tried to kill myself. It’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. I regret it every day that I was so weak to try. I’m stronger than ever now and I’m never going back. If you ever need someone to listen, e-mail me. (contact admin@lettersillneversend.com for email address)
There’s always someone who’s willing to care. Even here on the internet. You’re never alone. All you have to do is reach out and grab hold of a helping hand.
Hey, I’m the girl who wrote the letter and I would just like to say thank you to the both of you. It really does mean a lot to me. Thank you. Honestly, I don’t think I could thank you enough.
You don’t have to thank me. After all, that’s what friends are for. They are always there for you. Especially when you need them the most.
Being betrayed by a friend is one of the roughest things we go through. I had a “friend” like that. I was always the therapist for her (which I know get paid to do), but whenever I needed her, she was too busy with her own drama to even care about me. She dated so many of the guys I liked it was not funny. But, I eventually learned she is not my friend. She is just somebody who used me. I do not go around bad mouthing her, I just do not go around her anymore and i have not since my junior year. 17 years later, it still hurts, but I am a better person and friend for it. I know how a friend should be now…. not like her. As for the cutting, please get help. I hate to see anyone hurt themselves even if I do not know you. There is help out there if you ask for it. Even though I know this is a therapist credo, suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem. You killing yourself or cutting yourself is not hurting your so called friend, it hurts you. Even if life seems hopeless, you are not dead yet, there is time to turn it around. I also suffer from depression, but I know there is hope. I just have to keep going and surround myself with positive people and be the change I want to see. Hang in there, it does get better.
Poor girl, I really feel for you. I’ve been there with the bad friends, I know what it’s like to have a friend you care about fuck around with everyone in your life, steal your friends and leave you with more issues than anyone should have from a ‘friendship’. It’s hard, but you can get better, you can defeat her and what she did and move on. I promise, it gets easier with time. You meet new people, and start to believe that you can be friends with others. You realise that she did things friends shouldn’t do, and that you deserve better. Well done for getting this far: it takes guts to stand up to a ‘friend’, all the more so because they are someone we love.
You’re not wrong for feeling the way you feel. You sacrificed a lot for someone, and emotionally invested a lot in someone who you deeply cared about. It doesn’t matter that it was platonic, this girl broke your heart, as friends can do. And it hurts so bad sometimes. I also have friends caught friendships like yours, where the emotional abuse from the other party is leading them to self-harm or worse. And a lot of the time they were very scared at first to step away from these friendships, thinking they needed them for support, when actually the friendship was the cause of most of their depression and their problems. When they stepped away, they started to recover, to trust other people, and to get their hurt and self-harm under control. I hope you manage to get away from this person, only then will you be able to move on from the pain and desire to end it all.
Stay strong, and please talk to someone. Find a friend, talk to someone at school, call a helpline. I promise you, you have so much to give the world. The very fact you feel these things so deeply is a sign of your intelligence, emotional awareness, maturity and kindness. You are a good person, having issues does not make that untrue. Things will get better, I promise you. Take things one day at a time and remember that there are good friends out there. You are one of them.
You’re /so/ not wrong…..You need a serious detox from all of that poison that’s infected your blood by this so-called-friend. I truly hope things get better for you. Soon.