• Jibberish.

    by  • May 23, 2012 • Yearning for You • 0 Comments

    That’s probably what this letter is going to be.

    Dear Jackson,
    You confuse me so much, yet at the same time I know exactly what I want. You make me feel like I can do anything, but you also make me nervous. I want to jump and laugh and be silly, but I don’t want to embarrass myself. I want to take you in my arms and kiss you, but I don’t want to fuck it up.
    I think I may go insane. I mean, I like you. I really, really, do. But since I rejected you in December I don’t know if you’ll even trust me now.. even if we are good friends. And I know your girlfriend was kind a rebound from me, and I know you don’t love her, but that doesn’t mean you want me either. I’m just so conflicted.
    But before I spill out my feelings and options and choices and all that shit to you, I need to apologize. You asked me out multiple times in December, and you really liked me, and I really liked you. But I had to say no, and I know it hurt you, but I had to. I was getting over shit, I had to heal, and I could not ass some new relationship to that old heart ache. I hope you understand that I regret it now and I am sorry from the very bottom of my heart I ever hurt you.
    But, okay now. I was picking up signals from you, that you still had feelings for me ( I mean, come on. You can’t tell me laying in a field and putting your head on my chest and having me massage you is just friendly. ) so I had to tell you that I still liked you. But you obviously weren’t thrilled, your rely was “okay.” THAT’S IT. OKAY? You can’t even tell me if I’m wasting my time and you don’t want me, or if you do?
    I don’t think how much of an agonizing decision that was for me, just to tell you that. It felt like I was setting my insides on fire by just keeping my trap shut and acting like everything was fine, when watching you with her and you not knowing my feelings was killing me. And, telling you wasn’t a good decision either, because what if you didn’t like me? What if that forced you to make a painful decision between me and her? What if I broke you two up and I felt like a bitch for the rest of eternity? What if something happened and you cheated on her, again, making me feel like a bitch for all eternity? Not an easy choice to make, but I had to make it.
    But now the balls in your court, and its excruciating. It’s like I never said anything. You continue flirting with me, and then as soon as she comes near being all lovey with her in front of me, and once again, killing me. I really can’t tell if you’ve made the decision to just choose her, or if you’re acting like nothing’s happening, maybe you just don’t care. You are in fact moving soon.
    One thing I do know is that before you go away I need to have my moment with you. I don’t even give a shit what anyone else thinks, as long as you wont’t hate me for it. I need that for me. One kiss to help soothe the pain. Please?
    If there was any way this can be any easier, please put me out of my misery. I’m begging you.
    Love Always,
    LA.

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