I don’t want to say good bye.
I don’t want to not be able to talk to you anymore.
As much as I hate to, I’m counting the days we have left here together & it fucking scares me. I don’t know what to do. I feel like we should talk & get everything out in the open, but you never want to talk, you just let things bottle up.
If we did talk, I wouldn’t even know where to start. I mean there’s a lot of things that we’ve done that we shouldn’t, & that we’ve said. But I want to know how you feel & not just be stupid & say something not worth saying.
Lately, I’ve been quieter than usual, & more anti-social then usual. I playback every word I remember you ever saying to me, I think of how nice it was to cuddle with you, for you to pick up for me, to wake up next to you, to hold your hand & to just be alone with you.
But I also remember other things, like when you punched the wall by my face & left me there crying, when I was dancing with a guy & you got jealous – you grabbed my arm & pulled me away to dance with you, when I going with another guy & you would say anything to make fun of him, & when you kicked my friend out of my room on your birthday while you guys were drunk, just so you could come back & try to sleep in my room.
I don’t know the point of this letter, I’m scared, so fucking scared. I just think about how I’ll never see you again, how you’ll be married in about 2 yrs, how you’ll probably have kids with her.
Did you know that everyone thinks I hate her? I don’t, I have no reason to. I mean, sure I never want to meet her, but it doesn’t mean I hate her. I just don’t think I could stand to see you kiss another girl. I know I used to say stupid stuff before, but that was just so I could fit in with my friend, I felt really bad about it. I’m glad I stopped, it was stupid of me.
I don’t think I could ever forget you, the simplest things remind me of you, you were my first & they say you never forget your first. But I’m not afraid of forgetting you, I’m afraid of not having you around.
Do you ever compare me & her? How my eyes are light grey-blue, & how hers are black? How she’s so dark skinned, & I’m so light skinned? How she’s so athletic & I’m not even close? How she’ll never really know what your talking about when it comes to flying but I always will? How it felt to wake up next to me, & then how it feels to wake up next to her?
I’m not trying to make you feel bad, we both know who the best choice is for you, its her, without a doubt. She brings out the good in you, & I only bring out the bad, you need her a lot more then you need me.
There’s a lot more I want to say, but I guess there’s really no point, you’ll never see this & if you do, you probably won’t think its about you.
I don’t know how to say good bye to you, I’ve had 3 yrs to plan it, & I’m still coming up blank. I know I’m going cry, maybe not the minute we say bye, but I will, & I know its gonna be the last time I ever cry tears for you til the day you or I die.
I ought to thank you though, you’ve opened up my mind a lot I think. Because of us, I will always be open minded about people cheating, I could never judge someone after doing so myself, I will always look deeper then the surface, I will look for the guy that makes me smile – like you do, but harder & more. I will never regret us, I will always be waiting to hear your voice again, even though I probably never will.
I’m still afraid though.
Remember when we had to walk home that night? That’s one of my favorite memories of just us. We hid in the ditches from cars, you hugged me in middle of the road – it was like it was just me & you in the world, I loved that feeling. You held my hand as we walked, & when I went to pet a horse, you thought it would eat me. That still makes me laugh. Then we realized I lost my keys, & you let me sleep in your bed, and in morning, when you left for school, you let me stay there, you just let me sleep.
I’m so scared. Please tell me that I’m not the only one feeling this way.