• Pieces of my soul – diary

    by  • March 31, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Thoughts, Waxing Poetic • 0 Comments

    Sighs ahh love, hate to feel you sick like this…. Selfish me and thoughts of needing you
    thoughts of how and when and if to ask for your help as offered. I feel I can’t, so hard. Feel
    you needing me instead, feel you so weak and all I want to do is hold you and make you
    feel all better. Want to spoil you, warm you, caress you …forgetting everything else in this
    path. Forgetting my heavy worries. Usually good finding forgetfulness but the tight spot I am in,
    not good at all. Need to be present, in the now, pushing, focusing but all I really want to do
    is hold you safe and warm and make sure you feel better soon. Worry about you not taking
    care enough of yourself. Worry about you needing to work hard to fullfill your dream, pushing
    too hard, demand too much of yourself…rolling in circles not realizing you need to heal first to
    be able to give it your best. Sighs, worry about your dreams and your work, how silly of me is
    that when I am struggling to find work and about to get kicked out of the house with no place
    to go? Gosh I am truly crazy. How can I even love you as much as I do, how can I even feel
    the way that I do, how can this be? How founded, how much reason do I really have to love
    you as I do? How is this possible? How? Is it all but an illusion a fantasy, a sick twist of fate to
    put me into this love thing? Some payback for times I have hurt others? A lesson of what?
    Of how much pain I am able to endure? How much longing a body and mind can take? My
    brain tells me this will never be, you told me so and I must believe you. I do, I mean why
    on earth would you even want me? You have never even seen me in real life, never
    touched me, never even as much as spoken to me. Of course you don’t want me and the
    point of my life I am in why would you even want to…all besides that I generally have
    nothing to really offer but comfort and love. My heart speaks a different language though,
    one of it’s own, it tells me that two half have long searched and found each other to be
    made whole. How can this be? Makes no sense at all and I understand your logic more then
    I ever will this silly feeling of mine. I try so hard to deny it but not very often does it work.
    A stab deep into my heart soul and reality, a bleeding unlike another but felt so many times
    through our time together before….this little mistake, this typo. Fist squeezing my heart so
    tight, what heart, how can there be anything left? Men in my life never held positions of
    importance or would simply crush the breath out of my lungs….with you making me see so
    much, meaning so much to me, making me feel so deeply, giving me so many happy
    moments, you giving me your kind of love….you will be the one to finish me. The only one
    able to do what others tried, started over and over and over but where my strength and
    non caring prevailed, you will be the one. You will be the one one way or another. The one
    to safe me and bring me an abundance of unknown long yearned for happiness or the one
    to break the rest of me to fill my soul with nothing but content numbness in disbelieve
    of love. There is, there won’t be anybody else, this, this is it, the final push, the first in
    many way and the very last. A knowing I can’t understand myself but obviously there is
    much that I really don’t yet still know it’s truth. I am okay with that, either way and any
    answer will be good because it means these reoccurring throbbing pains will end.

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