I’m never going to send this to you or tell you this, mostly because I am scared of you knowing all this. Partly because I am scared of your reaction. Wish I had the courage to though…
The fact that I didn’t get to see you before you left, talk to you, hug you, or kiss…really hurt me. It hurt beyond belief. It still hurts, even when I talk to you. I feel like I am hanging on to all of that what ifs, should haves, and could have beens. It makes me wonder if I am just a little crazy, or if there is a reason as to why I miss you so much. It’s tiring thinking about it sometimes.
I still remember when you first started talking to me out of the blue, and I was so curious as to why you suddenly showed such interest in me. I remember the first time I saw you after those times we talked. I could barely contain myself around you. And- I remember when you put your arm around me for the first time, and I felt this fucking warmth and comfort and something I don’t really know how to describe. And then you would constantly poke me or mess with my leg….and then I remember when you hugged me for the first time. God, it was more than just a hug- you held me like it was the last time you’d see me. Maybe because we both knew that you were leaving soon. But I cherished the way your arms wrapped around me, how your head rested on mine, and how I could hear your breathing… Then, when you just grabbed me and kissed me with no warning, I remember blushing because I have never felt so happy before. And the butterflies, as dumb as it sounds…they were always there when I was around you. I was always nervous. I didn’t know how to act and I was shy.
I miss that feeling. I miss looking forward to seeing you. I miss know knowing that even when I missed you that I’d soon see you again. I miss your messy hair. I miss you bobbing your head when you played bass. I miss the terrible shoes you’d always wear. I miss your blue eyes because they are the most beautiful eyes I have ever looked into. I miss your laugh because you rarely ever do it.
And now you are gone, and I know I will never see you again. Or at least that is what I am told. You promised you’d come back for me though…At first when you left, I just cried for forever knowing that you just left me here. I mean, I know it wasn’t your fault, but still. And now we only talk sometimes and I try not to take any of those conversations for granted. Then I wonder if you do the same. Each of those moments, I get to imagine that I’ll see you again sometime soon. But I feel like I never will. It’s not like you really have a reason to, maybe you do…
And then you keep saying that we’ll get married, that I just have to wait. That it won’t be long till I see you again, I just have to wait. The more we joke around about it, the more I desperately want it.
There is just something different about you. I know there is a reason that you have stuck around this whole time, that you have re-appeared in my life. I makes me afraid to say this, but I think I may have fallen in love with you. And I’m not sure if you meant it when you said that you loved me that one time, but I meant it. I meant it as more than a friend, or a best friend. I meant it as a lover. I hope you did too…you said it first anyways.
I guess the point of this letter is that I miss you too much and I love you and I want you to come back and I want you back.
p.s. Please make an appearance in my dreams more often, because that is the closest I’ll ever be to you again.