Today is Thursday, Marc 29th of 2012 at 9:09 AM. Or at least, that’s when this letter is written. If it’s hard to remember the time period I wrote this, it’s when you were learning about my friends and the CBC and we talked until the early morning talking about “us”. And it’s also the day that I told you that I could see myself falling for you. And if you’re reading this, it’s because I’ve told you before or I’m telling you for the first time now: I love you.
Seeing as I’m writing to the future you, I have no idea what we’re doing or what we’ve been through. All I do know is I wouldn’t show this to you a moment sooner than I knew it was true. Out of all the girls I’ve been with and/or dated, there’s only six that stick above the rest. And even out of that, there was only one I truly fell for and had my heart completely shattered… that is, until now (But kinda hoping we can skip the heart shattering part).
As I write this, it’s hard to put together the words with me not knowing as much as the version of me next to you, or who you just saw, or you’re talking to. But as of now, I know you’re something special. I know that you, miss lady Stella P., are phenomenal to me in every way. I may have told you, or it slipped my (or maybe even your) mind, but when I was 19, I had a checklist titled “Dream Girl”. And it only took, literally- And I mean LITERALLY- one scan over of that list before I tossed it away. See, before, I kept that list to see how close any woman could get to being what I considered perfect. And by 20, I had come to the realization that a Hipster-girl musician who was actually into skating was going to be scarce WORLD-WIDE, let alone where I could seek a potential mate. So at that point, I accepted whatever could come even slightly close to completing half the list.
You’re the first and only that I know who has, and will continue to, complete every single item on that list. And as skeptical as it sounds, I would show you the list, but like I said, I found no need for it. I not only hope, but feel like, I won’t need that list anytime soon, if ever.
I remember the first day we hung out pretty well. You were with Jesse and I was pining over an uninterested Taran at six flags. But after dinner at Red Robin, and actually talking to you and listening to you, I remember thinking, “Man… if only there were more of her out there.”
We continued to see each other, off and on for nearly a year, you still with him, me still into Taran, but the more and more we hung, the more I kept thinking that Jesse was the luckiest son of a bitch ever, especially since he found you without trying while I eventually tried to get over Taran with a stream of girls throwing me in the “Friend Zone”. You were energetic and fun, and at times, even my bestie of a bro was a bit boring to you. You intrigued me, but I didn’t think anything of it since you were forbidden fruit.
Months passed, Jesse moved to Oregon, I started to finally get over Taran, and we chatted a bit on IM. We eventually started to hang out because you tried to match me our good friend Roya, while I tried to set you up with the ever-so skillful roommate of mine, Curtis. I’m not sure if you remember how much of a flop that ended up being and we all ended up subconsciously trading dates, and we all agreed it felt better. Yet, when I suggested the possibility of something going on between us, you said you weren’t over Jesse, and you didn’t know where you two stood anyway. And I honestly thought that it was going to end there. I was disappointed, but understood, and I figured I had tried my luck, time to move on.
More months pass and you and I hang out with Jesse as he moved back for a while before moving to Africa. The whole time, me being intrigued was conflicted with knowing you you felt about Jesse. Yet, at this point, he seemed to know (and assumed you did too, I guess) that you two weren’t going to work out long distance and even told me half-jokingly to take care of you while he made off into the dark. But the problem with half jokes is that most the time, the other half is truth.
After he left for Africa, we swore to hang out not just continually like we have, but more than we have before. So, you, I, and Roya had a trip to SF, and at the end of the trip, you did something I wouldn’t have expected, and it hit me hard: you stole my skateboard 54 minutes of the hour we were at the skatepark because you LOVED it. But I didn’t know what to do at the time. Last time I tried to be flirtatious and suggest anything, when I was SO SURE the “obvious signs” were there, you told me you had feelings for Jesse. Plus, while I was still attracted to you, I thought maybe Roya had some sorta small interest in me (I sure do sound egotistical looking back now lol)
But as we know, a few days later, Roya became interested in my skate buddy Puff, and I was left with just you in my sites. But at the same time, nothing between us had changed in an obvious manner. You were still kind, gentle, warm, loving, trusting, and outgoing like you were with anyone. It was just like the last time I suggested something between us, the same “signs”. So, to stop myself from embarrassing myself, I swore to let none of my emotions show unless I had a for sure sign you were interested.
We hung out once or twice after that, and I couldn’t help but become more and more drawn to you. But I would rather have you be a good friend than fuck things up do to an over-excited emotion. I was hoping that things would eventually change or unfold down the road, but I had no intent on making a move at the time or anytime soon. Not even on Super Smash Bros. Night.
You came over, wanting to play Super Smash Bros. (Which is kinda a total turn on), even though it was about eleven at night before we played and you were a good twenty minute drive away from where I lived. We played several games, got a bit tired of smash, so I put on some Netflix, and you passed out and woke up within minutes of the show. When you woke up, I felt devastated because it was clear you were tired, and I assumed you were going to head home. Yet, after making sure you were okay after waking up, you made no mention of heading out, but rather, being tired. I took it as an opportunity to spend more time with you, literally nothing more, as I invited you to spend the night, which you agreed.
I was planning on sleeping on the floor to give you the bed, since we were only friends. But as you got comfortable, you also woke up more and we started to talk for a while. Laying next to you, side by side, in the dark, talking in the midst of the night… the only thing that would make that night good, in my opinion, would be to be able to just hold and cuddle with you. So, I awkwardly asked if cuddling was going too far, and you were okay with it. And being human, getting what I wanted obviously wasn’t enough. I wanted to kiss you, but then I remembered I was supposed to behave and merely kept talking to you, finding peace with just you being there.
I honestly don’t know what happened or what pushed me, but I just had the urge and it made sense in my head to kiss you. And you didn’t resist. And almost like watching a movie unfold, so did the first time we made love. Or just had sex. I don’t know if it was that special to you, because you felt guilty about not talking to Jesse about us. But you also said you liked me at the same time.
The next week of not seeing you or talking a great deal had been both heaven and hell. Heaven because not only did a woman find an interest in me outside of friends, but it was the dream girl I had so desperately been trying to psych myself out of growing too much false hope. I wondered and worried whether or not you were just being nice while trying to figure out your feelings, the whole “I don’t want to hurt you, bit.”
Our next Super Smash night, you told me you we needed to talk. All week I had been hoping a serious talk didn’t have to happen, hoping it wasn’t just false hope like the back of my mind kept telling me it was, just like the other twenty-something other girls. And you told me we couldn’t be together at the moment, because of the lack of closure with Jesse. As bummed as I felt, I wanted nothing but for you to be happy, so I simply said I understood and that I was here for you.
Yet, fate has a weird way of doing things… or maybe it’s just you ;p. But after that night, after that talk, I tried to come off as still interested in you, but giving you your distance. You simply initiated taking my hand not only in public, but in front of Roya, someone who could tell Jesse about the “us” you wanted to be the one to talk to him about. And the close-holding cuddling while we walked the rainy streets of SF were started by you as well, and I remember being slightly confused, but not willing to question doing the thing I wanted to do the most.
And then just last night, we had our long talk. You told me you wanted to try taking things slower than you usually do. And I don’t know if you realize this, but with you being fascinated with skating, quite a worthy opponent in Smash, just as musically involved, if not more, than I, we were open to simple PDA, and sex apparently wasn’t off the list either. When you said you wanted to slow down, the only I could have even sorta wanted out of what we had going was just the stupid “Titles” bull that people on Facebook seem to obsess about. I had everything I wanted, so of course I was going to agree.
And now here I am, writing you my experiences with you up until this point. We’re only a few weeks into “talking” as I write this letter. And like I said, I don’t know when, or even IF, you’ll ever see this letter. I don’t know what adventures we’ll discover in that time. I don’t know what fights we could have in that time. I don’t know how many times you’ve done your ridiculous chipmunk face behind my back after I’ve teased you. I don’t know if we’re meant to stay together forever, or if I’ll end up driving a wonderful woman like you away with my idiocy.
What I do know is that if you’re reading this, you are my life. Nobody else matters, no matter else affects my life as much as you. Nobody pushes me to be the best I can be than you. Nobody makes me appreciate everything I have in life like you. Nobody makes me laugh with a big, loud “SUCK IT!” when you beat me in a race to somewhere I didn’t even partake in like you do. Nobody makes life make more sense than when I’m with you. Nobody makes me worry about the unknown of the future like you do.
I know I’m damaged
I know I’ve done wrong to others in the past
I know I can be a bit of a pest at times, or miss an obvious sign or meaning when you talk to me.
I know this sounds like a corny note written in a Nicholas Spark’s book
But I also know that there is no one else who could ever fill my heart with as much joy as you do.
Because, as of today, Thursday, March 29th of 2012, I know for a fact that I’m starting to fall for you. It doesn’t mean I’m plummeting or rushing to love. And I don’t expect you to say “I love you” back a moment before you mean it (I prefer that, actually). I’m letting things fall where they fall and whatever happens happens. Because with you, I know I’ll be happy. Thick through thin, sickness health, all that other life-entwining marriage nonsense they say at weddings. I’ll be there for you as long as you let me. 🙂
PS- Also, as March 29th of 2012 Nick, I am saying it now so I can tell you I have every right to say it: “CALLED IT!” ;p