You don’t want to talk to me. That’s fine. I get that. I’ve been in your shoes before and I understand that at this point, there’s nothing I can say or do that is going to change your mind or make you feel any differently. I know any attempt to is just going to make things worse. I’ve been trying to respect that, so I’ve left you alone for a few months. I hoped that in that time, I’d forget about you, that you’d turn into one of the many nameless, faceless girls that have come and gone in my life. I mean, why wouldn’t you? I only knew you for 2 weeks. Actually, that’s not even true. I didn’t really know you. I still don’t. I met you while getting off the bus. We texted for a while. We had dinner once. That’s who you are to me.
But for some reason beyond my understanding, I can’t stop thinking about you. I went through all the motions: Deleted our texts, deleted your number, deleted you off Facebook. There’s nothing left in my life that would remind me of you. Yet here you are, still in my head, and here I am, on lettersillneversend.com writing anonymously to you, trying to find some way to make it all stop hurting. I’ve been trying to figure out why that is. Maybe there was a real connection between us, however shortlived it was. Maybe you were genuinely more interesting than the airheads I come across every day and every night I’m out. Maybe it’s just my confusion with how and why it all ended so fast. I never understood what happened, in which split second I turned back into a nobody to you. I don’t know what to regret, what to apologize for, what to do differently the next time I meet a girl as amazing as you. And you don’t want to tell me. I don’t know if it was one concrete thing, everything, nothing…
You told me I don’t listen when you say no. Is that really it? I thought we had a fun date, so I tried to kiss you at the end of the night. You said no, but I went in anyways. I liked you, and I’ve had relationships ruined from inaction before, and I didn’t want that to happen again. On top of that, there was so much advice from so many people swirling around in my head that I didn’t know what to do. Once I saw you really didn’t want to, I pulled back. I shouldn’t have gone for it, and I should have apologized the next time we spoke instead of acting cocky, but I was hurt and shocked by the way you completely rejected me and I responded in the wrong way. Next thing I know, you’re telling me I better stop talking to you and leave you alone.
I’m apologizing for everything now, when it’s far too late and when you aren’t even listening. To you, and to anyone reading, that’s probably worth nothing, but it means something to me, and I guess in some sense, that’s important too.
I wish I never took advice from anyone, and I wish we could start over. But I did, and we can’t, so along with “I’m sorry”, I’m saying “Goodbye”, and maybe “I love you”, but I didn’t get to know you well enough to be sure.
I wish that I never made you disappear from my life, but you’re already gone, and all that’s left is that memory of the girl from the bus. Sadly, all I can hope now is that that disappears soon too.
I still wish you all the happiness in the world. I’m sorry I wasn’t the one that could give it to you.
A Familiar Stranger