I thought I was done missing you. Last night, I lay in bed talking to R. The subject of you came up again. I don’t like talking to him about you. He’s insanely jealous. He’s jealous of someone he met three times, eleven years ago!
He knows I’ve held onto you. He knows how much you meant to me. He knows how much we hurt each other. He said something that was so true, “He was upset, because he realized he screwed up. He was mad at yourself for letting you go.” When he said that one sentence to me, it gave me a new perspective. I viewed you as a person, and I stopped idealizing you. I saw the fact I had a new boyfriend, and it was being flaunted in your face. You thought I was going to stick around forever. You thought I’d always be there for you, without commitment.
I cried again last night over you. I didn’t think there were any tears left. I was so mad. I have forgiven you and me already for what happened, but when I think of our circumstances it makes me sad. I feel sad, because I can’t completely let go of you and I wonder if you can let go of me.
You changed afterwards, completely. Maybe in a way the change was an escape. I can relate though. I’m changing now, for the better. People don’t understand. Some people have told me I need therapy, but honestly, I feel more in touch with myself and my needs than I have in years.
I miss you, and I guess I always will. I’ll never be able to let go of the rope that ties us together.