It hasn’t even been one year Jess. For a while my heart hurt so bad and I would cry every day. I have gotten better though. I have bad days every once in a while but the distances in between those days slowly lengthens. I feel guilty for that though, as much as it hurt going to your funeral and seeing you laying there, I didn’t want it to end. Because as long as it was still going, I would always be thinking of you and you would never leave my mind and I would never forget your laugh. It ended and I know those memories will never fade, but they will become more distant. I know I need to move on with my life but sometimes I wish things could be back to how they were in high school so badly. Even when we weren’t dating we were best friends. You were the one I called when something good or bad happened. It seems like yesterday we were outside playing with the pogo sticks and rip sticks. That was five years ago though. Even after we broke up, you were still a good friend. We could talk for hours when we ran into each other. I wish I could have stayed by your side and helped you with everything you were struggling with. I knew you had gotten into drugs and I never said anything to you to talk you out of it. The first time you got out of rehab, you asked me to go to a meeting with you, however, life got in the way and something came up. Little did I know, I would forever regret that. I will always regret the moments we could have spent together but never did. I never knew that when I saw you on new years eve of 2010, that it would be the last time I’d ever hear your laugh or get one of your bear hugs.
When I see your mom Jess, it breaks my heart. She misses you so much. I just hope you are always with her and I hope you will continue to give her and the rest of your family and friends strength to go on. I know you are in a better place and not struggling with your addiction anymore, but sometimes I get so mad you didn’t try harder. I know if you knew how many people you would have hurt, you would have never did what you did that night. We all miss you so much. Please watch over your two friends who were with you that night. They had no idea what was going to happen, they didn’t know anything was wrong or else you know they would have done something. I know they feel somewhat responsible, so please comfort them and let them know that they are amazing people and did so much for you.
Everyone loved you Jess. You were the kindest, funniest person I know. I go back to our silly jokes and just wish so badly you were here to reminisce with me. I love you and I wish you were here to see how happy I am now with my boyfriend. You would be so proud that I am with a good guy.
I wish more than anything I could send you this letter, but since you are not physically here anymore, it is impossible for me to do that. I pray that you are reading this from heaven though! I hope you know how much you are loved and missed! I’ll love you forever bud!!!