I’m writing this to you even though I know you won’t read it. Maybe I’m writing it because I know you won’t read it. You had me under your thumb for years and the only release I had were the pills you gave me and the freedom to write it all down somewhere. At least… I had the freedom to write it down until you invaded that part of my life and put a stop to it. You took it all away.
What I want to know is why? Is it because I’m so easy to mold and change? Or is it because when you came back I wasn’t so easy to mold and change? I remembered something about that night in December. You came out from behind my car… You were waiting for me, weren’t you? What were you going to do when I got there? I thought I had heard a car door when I first walked out the back door… Were you waiting in my car? What did I ever do to make you hate me so much? Damn it, I used to be so happy and trusting. What was it about me that made you want to tear all that down?
I live in a constant state of fear and anxiety that you are going to come for me. I live in a state of panic because I know if you come for me, you’ll hurt the baby boy sleeping on my lap right now. I want to wake up and realize that you were just a bad dream. I don’t want to remember what it’s like to be called the things you called me. I don’t want to be afraid of being hit if I say the wrong thing, talk to the wrong person…
I have a new life now, but I can’t escape the fear you’ve planted in my heart and head. I am afraid all the time. And you don’t care, do you? You took a part of me that I will never be able to get back. And what kills me is that I’m not the first and I won’t be the last. I wish I could save her from what you and I both know you’ll start doing to her, but I have a son who needs me to take care of him and I’m not willing to risk the rest of his life to save hers.
One day, when you realize what you’ve done, I hope it eats you alive. I hope you feel all the pain you’ve caused me. I hope you’re alone and you hurt forever. I hope you live well into your 80s and that every second of every day is filled with the same agony, torment, fear, and pain that my life has been filled with for three years. You’re a toxic person. You will always be a toxic person. And it’s not going to be much longer before you find yourself a lonely person.