• It had to be him

    by  • March 26, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Letting Go • 0 Comments

    It had to be him, didn’t it. Of course. Of all the people… why?
    I had to fall for the funny guy, the guy that can’t take life too seriously. Or even me, seriously, for that matter. Because he was everything the other one wasn’t. The world to this guy is no big deal. And I’m not a big deal either, not to him.
    But this is the issue. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t do this light-hearted, “whatever” friends thing. I think I like him too much for all the reasons I didn’t like the other one. But how he treats me, as no big deal, as nothing serious… I thought I could be okay with that. I really did.
    But after a while, it’s gotten to me. I’ve snapped.
    I wouldn’t even say I’m a pathetically needy person. But really, replying to texts, replying to IMs? Is that really so hard? Am I not worth your time? Is it not common courtesy? Is this how you treat all your friends?
    Well, actually, if I did just see you as a friend, why would this matter? “Oh, he’s just being ditzy, typical him!” I’d think. But no. Bloody no. I have to actually start to LIKE him. How ridiculous. How ridiculously stupid.
    I’m not a secure person. I need reassurance. I need response. Being ignored – the silence, it makes me bloody paranoid. Did I say something wrong? It makes me annalyse everything and make me even less sure of myself. What a horrible, horrible spiral.
    And worse, do you know why I fell for him, really? Because he showed me attention. Not much, but enough. More than any other guy has really shown for the last 8 months. Good grief. It comes to something when you can’t even have a guy friend because you start to fall for him BECAUSE you have no guy friends. Or male attention. Not really. Not at all, because of the other one.
    I’m such a fool. And, worst of all – he lives with him. They live together! What an idiot. What did I expect? What I always expect, that I’ll come first, for some stupid reason. And I don’t.
    And you know what? I’m not okay with the other one, either. I had to spend hours with him today, and even after I thought we’d had closure, I couldn’t cope. I wanted him to like me, to think I was funny and cute, like he did before. But of course he wouldn’t. He won’t ever again. HE has moved on, as if I was just some blip in his life that has been corrected, as if he was never the blip. He only flipped over a table. Only scarred me for life. Whatever, right?
    What is WRONG with me? What is the need for constant reassurance that I am somewhat attractive? Why do I need male acknowledgement to suggest this?
    And in the meantime, whatever it is I have with him, I just can’t. I really, really can’t. Which is horrible, because now I’ll have no male company, but I just can’t rely on him for all the things I rely on him for, because he’s not strong enough, and he doesn’t care enough. To him, I’m just a source of amusement. To me, frustratingly, he’s more, and he can’t be.
    This probably makes absolutely no sense, but I just needed to vent. I thought I was getting better at dealing, but being overwhelmed with everyone and everything is too much. It hurts. It hurts a hell of a lot. And despite it all, I like to think I can do better.
    So I’ll try.

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