I slip out after dark, hiding in shadows cast by trees. The gentle glow of the moon cannot find me; tired eyes pass right over me. I crouch in silence, wishing for solitude despite the wailing protests of my heart. Shut up already and let me be! Stupid mass of tissue and muscle. Do you not realize that this is not a choice? Do you think I want you to feel this way? I tried to provide for you. I did my best, I really did. Twice, I came through for you and had something to show for my effort. I gave you beauty and comfort and love at the hands of somebody incredible. And now we’re right back where we started, as far from any of that as can be, with no guarantee for the future.
So what’s next? Find somebody else to fall for, only to be kicked back out onto this dark street? Perhaps the last couple of times were flukes; misplaced love. I mean, what attracting qualities do we really possess? Too thin. Too quiet and reserved. Too doubtful and insecure. Too messed up and too flawed. Nobody cares about ideals or purity. Nobody cares about manners and chivalry. I’m not sure those two ever really loved you, either. I mean, the first person you fell for is now your best friend who says they don’t see you as a lover any more. The second hasn’t spoken to you in months, and the last time they did didn’t go very well.
Sure, perhaps you and I will find somebody else, dear heart, but their “love” will just fade like the rest, leaving us cold and alone once again, left only with our own company. But you cannot say I did not try. I gave my all, 200% of what I had, and I still fell short. What more have I to give? What is left to contribute, and who wants what I have to offer in the first place?
Even at my best, I find I’m still behind.