• Exhaustion

    by  • March 25, 2012 • Friends • 0 Comments

    Caitlynn.

    I feel like this is never going to be over. And you know what? I’m fucking tired. I’m exhausted, really. Completely drained of having to deal with you. You. And your perpetual hurt feelings. And your insecurity. And your blame. And your false apologies, the way you say you want to fix things and be friends again and then put in zero effort. The way you say you miss me and then don’t speak to me for three months. Fuck you. Do you know how long I’ve wanted to say that to you? Can you even imagine? I’m TIRED. Don’t you understand? I literally don’t care anymore. I give zero fucks. And please, PLEASE don’t get all pissed off and uptight because this isn’t how you wanted it to go. This is how you made it, so deal.

    God, there are so many things I want to say, I just don’t know where to begin. Let’s start with winter break, when we ran into each other at the store. Remember that? I saw you and Jaella and walked over to say hi and you started crying. You started crying. You seriously fucking started crying. I can just imagine what you were thinking when I didn’t look even the tiniest bit upset. If I recall I was smiling when I asked you why you were crying. And then when you said, “I just realized how much I missed you”, god you have no idea how much I wanted to laugh at the irony. You realized you missed me, huh? NOW you miss me. You didn’t feel like missing me the two years I tried to piece our friendship back together? You didn’t feel like missing me all the times I tried to make plans and catch up and actually be friends again? Of course not. That’s not how Caitlynn does it. She waits until I’m over it, and not interested in friendship to want to make things better. Which is perfect because then if I tell her I don’t really want to make things better anymore she can be the victim. Again. You’re just so great at being a victim, aren’t you? People are just always trying to hurt you. Everyone, really. I can imagine how hard that must be for you, to be constantly attacked and judged by everyone around you.

    And you know what? You did get to be the victim, again, didn’t you? Because that day after you wiped away your tears I reminded you that you have my phone number and my facebook, and that you can get a hold of me whenever you want. I even kindly told you that I’d like that. And after THREE months, you finally did get around to messaging me. And I honestly don’t think it was fair of you to get so angry at my response. I really don’t even understand what made you so angry about it. No part of my message could be construed as “stringing you along”. I was very clear: I am perfectly willing to talk to you and catch up if that’s what you’d like. But as for trying to be friends again, I’m just not interested. We can be civil and friendly with each other, but I don’t want to try any of that “BFF” stuff anymore. That’s all. How in the world is that “stringing you along”? I’m not hiding anything. I’m not trying to let you believe something that isn’t true. If you want some sort of “all or nothing” thing, you can stop talking to me. And another thing, don’t you dare give me that “I would have had respect for you if you’d just straight out said you didn’t want to be friends and left it at that” bullshit. That’s just another excuse for you to be self-righteous. The only thing I could have said that you would have liked and that would have made you happy is, “I’m so glad you messaged me, I’d love to try and be friends again.”

    I’m sorry that I don’t feel that way. I really am. But I can’t change it. It took me so, so long to get to this point, and I’m truly happy to be here. I’m happy to finally not be sad that you don’t want to talk to me. I’m happy to finally not feel like a part of me is missing because my best friend in the whole world doesn’t care anymore. Yes, Caitlynn, we were best friends once. And it was awesome and fun and great. But I don’t need to go back to that. I’m happy how I am now. In the past two years, I’ve changed, and I’ve matured, and instead of looking back and seeing our friendship in a halo of gold and pink happiness, I can see it how it really was. I mean, it wasn’t bad. I loved it. But, looking back I can see how all of your issues and problems came before mine. You and how you felt and all of your personal, emotional battles were more important. More important than anything of mine. And it was fine at the time, but I don’t want to be friends with someone selfish in that way, who’ll drag me into their problems but won’t help pull me out of mine. Everyone was out to get you and it was my job to make everything right. Well, Caitlynn, that isn’t my job anymore. You’re right when you said that I’m not the person you thought I was. Because you think I’m the same person I was when we were best friends all those years ago. And just because you haven’t changed at all, it doesn’t mean it’s wrong for me to have.

    I just thought you should know. I’m tired, and sorry that you’re so upset about this, but most of all, I’m really done.

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