• denial

    by  • March 25, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 0 Comments

    I can’t admit to myself that I really like you and want to be with you.

    When we first met, you wanted to know whether I saw us in a relationship in the future or else you didn’t want to waste your time. It was too much, too fast. I told you I was never in a serious relationship and I knew you had just been blindsided out of a 2+ year relationship a few months before.

    You loved showing affection and I didn’t know how to. I tried, I swear I did. We spent a lot of time together. And then on my birthday you decided to let me know how unhappy you were. Thanks, good timing. I am not saying we didn’t have issues to talk about, but really? When I was good and drunk, on my birthday? You picked out my deepest insecurities, cut them open, and threw some salt on them. You didn’t know how much it hurt me. But it did, a lot. I know I hurt you too, but we both didn’t mean it. I am sorry I left but I couldn’t deal with it. I was too drunk, and too inexperienced with the whole relationship to know how to handle myself. I know I should be too old to say that but it’s true, and I tried to explain that to you. And to be honest, you didn’t react in a very mature way. Facebook status, really? Where you can get responses and comment on them. I expected it to happen….and it did.

    And now it’s almost a year later. We are still hanging out, and hooking up. Roles have been reversed. I want more than just our friends with benefits. You said you love me, but you are not in love with me. You don’t feel that infatuation that you associate with love. You say we won’t be together, but we are best of friends with great sexual chemistry. And you are upfront about it. So what am I doing?

    I tell myself I am okay with what we are doing. I am the queen of friends with benefits. I don’t get attached. And honestly, I know we are not quite right. That’s why I pushed away at first. But now I want to be with you all the time. You once told my friend you want me to think of you all the time, you love me, want me to text you all day, and just have me love you back. He told you I just wasn’t that kind of girl, but guess what? I sort of am. I check my phone, hoping to have a message from you.

    People tell me how you act and what you say doesn’t match up. You showed up to work on Valentine’s day with flowers. You made me a CD with love songs. You came to my Christmas party and my co-workers thought “you were infatuated with me”. You go away for a long weekend and come back with jewelry and chocolate for me. My friends call you my boyfriend no matter what I say. People assume we are together regardless. And I am starting to get too used to it.

    But just last weekend you told me (again) how we are friends and I left crying. You asked me what happened and I said I puked and left because I was too drunk. Yes, that was true, but I was too drunk to deal with how I feel about you. I can barely admit it to myself but I think I really want to be with you. I just wish you felt that way now. But you don’t, I don’t think.

    So what the hell am I doing? Can you just end it with me, so I can go find a healthy relationship? While we are together, I am not going to look for some one else. But I should so I can move on.

    I am sitting here alone on Saturday night, crying with a bottle of wine because I am finally realizing I am being an idiot. I think I am most upset with myself for being to stupid. I know you will never know what I have been thinking, no one will. But I think I am finally admitting to myself that I need to end it. I am sorry, but it’s probably for the best. I guess this is it.

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