• Dear You,

    by  • March 25, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 0 Comments

    DEAR YOU,

    AT WORK TODAY I SUDDENLY STOPPED, SOMETHING WAS ROOTING TO ME TO THE FLOOR IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR. I COULDN’T MOVE, AND IT TOOK EVERYTHING I HAD NOT TO BURST INTO TEARS. THERE WAS NO REASON FOR THIS SUDDEN EMOTION EXCEPT A SMELL. THERE WAS A SCENT, AND IT WAS YOURS. I CAN’T DESCRIBE IT, IT’S NOT THE ARMANI AFTERSHAVE YOUR DAD BOUGHT YOU, IT’S NOT THE SMELL OF WASHING POWDER, IT’S SOFTER, IT’S MORE HOMELY, IT’S SAFE. AND WHEN I TURNED ROUND I WANTED YOU TO BE THERE TRYING TO MAKE THIS WORK. YOU WEREN’T THERE THOUGH.

    YESTERDAY I WENT TO THE CINEMA WITH 3 OTHER GUYS. THIS IS ALL PART OF ME TRYING TO MOVE ON, AND IT’S HARDER FOR ME THAN YOU PROBABLY IMAGINE. AND WE WATCHED THIS FILM AND THERE WAS A SEX SCENE, AND THAT, THAT MADE ME ACHE. SOMETIMES IT DOES, IT HURTS PHYSICALLY. I DON’T NECESSARILY MISS SEX. BUT I MISS THE WAY YOU USED TO LOOK AT ME; AND HOW SOFT YOUR HANDS WERE, AND THE WAY THAT EVERY SINGLE TOUCH FELT LIKE A FIREWORK. YOU ALWAYS MADE ME FEEL BEAUTIFUL. I MISS JUST RESTING MY HEAD ON YOUR CHEST AND HEARING YOUR HEART BEAT. THEY WERE MY FAVOURITE MOMENTS; WE DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING TO EACH OTHER BECAUSE EVERYTHING WAS SAID IN THAT SILENCE.

    IT’S HARD TO GO THROUGH EVERYDAY LIFE, BECAUSE YOU WERE INTERTWINED WITH ALL MY PLANS. AUSTRIA WILL BE FILLED WITH ALL THESE AMAZING MEMORIES, I CAN TELL. BUT I ALWAYS HAD THESE IMAGES IN MY MIND THAT YOU WOULD BE THE ONE TO DROP ME OFF AT THE BEGINNING AND PICK ME UP AT THE END. AND I’D CRY A LOT, BUT IT WOULD BE OKAY. I HAVE NEVER, AND PROBABLY WILL NEVER CRY IN FRONT OF SOMEONE AS OFTEN AND AS HONESTLY AS I DID WITH YOU. BECAUSE EVEN IF YOU NEVER KNEW WHAT TO SAY, YOU ALWAYS MADE IT FEEL BETTER; I MISS SOMEONE WIPING MY TEARS. I WILL NEVER FORGET THE TIME YOU TOLD ME THAT I WAS BEAUTIFUL WHEN I CRIED, BECAUSE IT WAS ONLY THEN THAT I WAS TRULY MYSELF. YOU HAD THIS BELIEF THAT WAS SOMETHING MORE TO ME, AND THAT ONE DAY I WOULD TRULY EMBRACE IT. I WONDER WHETHER YOU STILL BELIEVE THAT.

    I THINK WHAT I’M TRYING TO SAY, ALTHOUGH IT’S THE HARDEST THING IN THE WORLD, IS THAT I MISS YOU. I CAN’T DO THAT TO YOU THOUGH, BECAUSE WE NEED TO MOVE ON, AND IT’S NOT EASY FOR EITHER OF US. WE WILL GO OUT SEPARATELY AND GET DRUNK AND CONTINUE LIVING OUR LIVES, AND I WON’T KNOW HOW YOU’RE FEELING OR WHAT YOU’RE DOING. THAT MAKES ME FEEL SICK, NOT BECAUSE I’M POSSESSIVE, BUT JUST BECAUSE I HAVE KNOWN SO MUCH ABOUT YOU FOR SO LONG, I DON’T KNOW HOW TO FEEL THAT I WON’T BE THE FIRST PERSON YOU TELL WHEN YOU BUY A NEW PAIR OF SHOES, OR WHEN YOU HAVE COOKIES FOR LUNCH OR YOU’RE WATCHING A PARTICULAR EPISODE OF FRIENDS. THAT HURTS, FOR NO REASON OTHER THAN I FEEL EMPTY WITHOUT IT.

    I DON’T KNOW WHETHER I NEED TO SEE YOU AGAIN, OR FORGET YOU EXIST. I’M NOT SURE WHICH ONE WOULD BE HARDER.

    I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT EVERYTHING.

    ALL I CAN SAY IS THAT I’M SORRY.

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