It only took me two weeks to fall for you. When I first met you, I’ll admit you didn’t catch my eye. But once you did I swear I couldn’t look away. I’ve never been able to look at anyone the way I look at you.
Whenever I see you, all I think is that you’re perfect. I’ve never felt a soul that was so in tune with mine until I met you.
Even though I know one person cannot complete another, when I looked into your eyes I felt like you completed me. Like you we’re literally created just for me and no one else. By simply being in your presence, saying nothing, I felt like I was home.
Even we never said it- we both know that I was just a rebound, a distraction to help you get your mind off of your ex.
It breaks my heart. Not only that you were so hurt, but that I was blind to it. And that you were blind to the fact that I was obviously falling for you. But by the time I finally admitted it, it was too late.
I had never felt more vulnerable in my entire life. Denying my love for you was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. It took every bone in my body to not throw my arms around you and tell you how amazing and incredible you are. It took every inch of my strength to stay away, or else I’d immerse myself in you.
It was an incredible feeling, but terrifying. Loving you terrified me. Because I knew you didn’t feel the same as I, and likely never would. I don’t know how, but you took a piece of me I’m not sure I’ll ever get back. We didn’t have sex. We knew eachother for three weeks, and this all probably sounds pathetic to you. But this is the truth.
The truth is that I love you, Jason. I love your smile, your laugh, and the way you walk. I love the eyes you see through. I love your heart. Because even though you didn’t think I could, I could see through your walls. And what I saw was a beautiful, wise, genuine, sensitive, strong man who is passionate about the world.
What breaks my heart even more is that you are out of touch with that person. Somewhere down the road, somebody hurt you. You took a risk, and you got hurt. Really hurt. And every girl that comes around, you give and you give, and then you get hurt. In order to escape that reality, you go into the world of destruction that you knew would destroy you. You immersed yourself into the toxic, sinful ways of the world and left behind the values you once held so close to your heart. And now on the outside you look stoic, melancholy and guarded. But I know that you were not always that way, even though I may not have known you before that.
I still see that man in you, and I can only pray that one day you will come back to Christ and he will reignite that passion. That Jesus will bring forth the heart of who you were truly created to me.
I miss you. I miss you in a way that I’ve never really missed anyone- not even my ex. Not even the 8 guys I had physical encounters with. Not my friends. Just you.
I don’t think you’re ever going to find out all of this, about how I really felt about you. But somehow, in some way, I hope you do.
Maybe one day God will give me the strength to tell you. But this is it for now.
I love you, Jason. Lovers or not, friends or not.
No matter what you do to me, even though you hurt me more deeply than anyone else. I am still on your side, and I forgive you.
I wish nothing but the absolute best and I pray that you will be happy and experience the fulfilling life that Christ has for you. I pray that you start to hunger for that again, for his joy, his love.