It’s ok to feel unsure, we all agree on that. But is it ok to constantly push aside all feelings?
My theology teacher was talking about suffering today, and how those who suffer the worst are those who never say anything about it, the ones who keep all the bad feelings tucked far, far away deep within their mind. She was talking about abuse and rape victims, but I was thinking about myself.
No, I’ve never been abused or raped, but I still have this sort of hide-all mentality. I purposefully hide what I’m thinking and feeling because I don’t want others to know, I don’t want others to see me as anything but cool, calm, and collected. I know that I come off as really independent, really sarcastic and smart and even funny. But I wonder how many people see past that, to where I’m hurting on the inside because it’s exhausting pretending to be cool, calm, collected, and independent all of the time. I grow irritated when people tell me how lucky I am to be so independent, but truth is, I’m just so afraid of hurt and pain.
Basically, I have grown so accustomed to hiding and pushing and shoving everything I feel away into a corner that I feel like I’m suffocating, like I can’t breathe anymore. I want to let it all out, to show that I’m broken and that I want to rely on someone else, someone to take care of me for once but I’m afraid. I’m afraid I’ll look weak. I guess this is my problem. I don’t want to be thought of as weak. My ever-present fault is most definitely pride. What else but pride would refuse to make a change for the better for fear of how things will change?