I can feel it. Inside me. All the time. Like my heart is transforming. It feels permanent.
It’s enclosed. It’s wrapped up in a shell. It’s protected. It’s stronger than brick and metal and cement. It’s stronger than my will for it not to be so. It’s hidden from the world. It’s mine.
It’s not a wall. You cannot climb over it. You cannot conquer it. Sure, you can TRY. But with no success. You cannot win. The prize is unattainable.
Oh yeah. The prize is wonderful. It’s me. Laid out bare, naked, raw. It’s tear-jerkingly moving. It’s huge and alive, overwhelmingly so. It’s bigger than life as you know it. It’s support and love, day after day, night after night, passionate and committed, because there’s no other way to be. It’s unquestioningly loyal and overflows with a love so big you might not be able to bear it.
But no. You cannot win. No one can. No one can match this love. This potential. No one is able to take the responsibility that goes along with this heart. This heart is too valuable. It is not bought with money. Or charmed with flattery. It does not understand a broken promise. It will not accept anything less than the extraordinary for this is all it knows. It loves to laugh. It loves to sing and dance. It loves life and loudness. But it also loves calm and quiet, and the intimacy that goes along with this. The tenderness that happens in the serene is fully appreciated and valued by this heart.
This heart would like to unite with another heart. Maybe this other heart could be bigger, better. Maybe it could possess more love than previously thought possible. Maybe it could be cheeky, intelligent. Maybe it could seduce with thoughts and wit. Maybe it could find beauty in the hugeness of this heart, rather than finding it intimidating. Maybe it could make this heart swell and transform it again. Transform it into something that could be shared with the world, without fear.
But for now, it is put away. It is safely saved. Secure. Not available. Reserved. It’s under lock and key. It will stay there. I’m afraid this heart may never know the wonders of knowing another so well. But it is better to look after this heart, than to let this heart suffer. Let it love and grow in private. Let it meditate. This heart must know it’s worth. It must be protected. For it is priceless to me, and worthless to others.