• She’ll find her happiness I hope

    by  • March 23, 2012 • To You • 1 Comment

    All I really have to say is that I hope today is going better for you than it is for me. I’ve been talking to josh from fl, but he just stopped now and that brings me back to listening to the duo we discovered thinking about you. Not texting you or calling you is rough. I mean all I’ve been thinking is don’t text her over and over again. Its rough, but look at me, I’m actually giving you your respect, I’m allowing you space, I mean it fucking sucks dick, but here I am allowing it to happen. I’m waiting for you to text me, I’m sure it’ll make the day loads better. I’m not sure whether I want you to be happy or miserable not talking to me. I mean I’m miserable, but that doesn’t mean you have to be. If you are miserable, I feel like that would drive you closer to me, but if your actually happy, then well I’m unsure, it would just leave many questions pondering in my head. Hopefully me respecting your wishes will help show you how much I fucking care for you, and how badly I don’t want this to happen. Its small yeah, and it’s not that big of a deal to other people, but to me it feels like a milestone. I can’t believe I haven’t talked to you since like 9am. I’m going to continue doing this, I have to, if I don’t respect your wishes, why would you want to come back? I just hope I’m not doing it for the wrong reason… I just need to show you how much you matter to me, and this seems like its a good way, by giving you what you need and disregarding my wants.

    I’m not sure how to say this without destroying everything, but as wrong as this feels, I deserve it. I’m happy you didn’t leave me, I mean I’ve enjoyed every second being with you even when were fighting. I feel like you probably shouldn’t have given me that second chance. The first one. I mean I appreciate it greatly, but in the end, this is where we are. I fucked up every single chance you’ve given me. It makes me feel like such a horrible raunchy person. Who does that? I guess just me, no one else would I don’t think. I’m different from people. I can get along with anyone, but will anyone ever really really know me? No. Your the closest anyone has ever come to having an understanding of me. You kind of understood how my brain works, I don’t really, but I mean you’ve come damn near close. I just feel like us splitting up is a mistake, but I can’t go and get you back. Who am I to ask for another chance? I feel so undeserving of it. But its of course what I want. I want you. there is a keyhole in my heart, and there’s only one key to fill that hole. I’m sorry to say this, but it’s just how I feel, You have the key.

    I want to become that better person you desperately need. You’re surrounded by people that suck. Aaryn, like are you fucking for real? How can you be best friends with my girl, and then when she takes me back, whether it’s a mistake or not, just stop fucking talking to her? No that shit doesn’t fly with me, I’m incredibly pissed about this, I mean I know she’s your friend and it’s none of your business but I want to bitch slap the fuck out of her for that. Everyone always needs a ride from you, and most people have realized that you’re nice enough to give it to them, so they try and use you. Like who? Mike, Darienne, Rachel, Jonny, Ali sometimes, but I understand ali is different because she’s your sister and in a rough spot. But I mean you’re just such a good person, and it seems like the only people that have noticed are trying to take advantage of it.

    I mean I don’t want to put down all of your friends, but I’m seeing things now. I’m understanding. I’m sad, but it’s making sense to me. How can we fix this issue with the friends? That’s the real question, I don’t see it being possible, I mean number one, aaryn, She needs to have a speaking with, I understand it’s hard to do, especially given where we are now. But it just simply can’t be avoided, If it does get avoided she will never know what she did was wrong. If the talk just doesn’t work and she fails to admit guilt, and apologize, I would just say fuck her and move out somewhere. I mean moving would be a potential fix, but what good does running away from your problems bring? it doesn’t bring any good. And while moving out would feel so right for the both of us, Just going somewhere far away, no matter how you look at it, you’ll be running away. But so what? maybe running away will bring you to some fairy tale land that you’ll love. It’s very possible and it’s a risk you have to take.

    Your mom, well, it’s your mom, you know her faults and what not. She can be a huge bitch from time to time, and other times she’s nice. it sucks its so off and on and without warning always. and whenever an issue arises between the two of you, unlike me, she hasn’t figured out how to prevent it from turning into a huge rage session. I’m unsure if me not listening when I get heated has stopped, I’ve just been to sad to even notice. Not to mention I haven’t been heated at all lately, but more just down.

    The decisions you make in life, defines you as a character. Life isn’t some path you just walk down. I mean you could view it as a path, but a path with many twists, turns, trap doors, death, life. There is no wrong or right way to do anything, it’s just how you decide to do it, if it works its right, if it doesn’t it’s not necessarily wrong but maybe a set back. And when a similar situation is faced again, hopefully you’ll remember making the choice before and choose what works. You could be walking down the path of life, and come to a fork, the path on the right, it looks like autumn, but it’s dark at first and as far as you can see it looks bad, but you see something in the distance that catches your eye, You think it must be good. On the left, you see a cloudy walk way, sunshine and rainbow, you don’t see anything suspicious. Now let’s think about this, one path seems easy with no reward, and the other path seems difficult with a possibly great reward at the end. choosing the sunshine and rainbow path could lead into trouble, there could be a hole in the ground that you fall down only to fall all the way down back to where you realize how the harder path would have been so much better. The harder path, it contains everything you fear. Snakes, Spiders, People that use you, etc etc. Your going to have to deal with the obstacles. They have to be dealt with in order to get the shiny prize at the end of the road. Whats the prize at your end? It’s whatever you want it to be. It could potentially be your happiness, it could be us with a child, You just don’t know until you get there, but once you get there, all of the lessons you’ve learned walking the treacherous path of life will help you decide what the reward will be. You’ll get an urge for something, when you get to where you want to be, the question is, what is this urge going to be? I am hoping and praying that the urge will be me. But I know I’m probably getting my hopes up only to have them crash to the ground in front of me. I don’t care, I’m ok with that. I mean if I didn’t have my hopes of us getting back together, things wouldn’t be going anywhere near as smoothly. I’m hoping once we get done with the break up sadness, you’ll look back and see, wow, he really tried hard, he really genuinely cares about me, he transformed into the person I wanted him to be to make me happy. These are just thoughts and wishes inside of my head. And its helping motivate me to actually take steps. like yeah I’m writing this e-mail but I still haven’t texted or called you all day. and let me tell you, it’s fucking killing me. I’m using every bit of brain power I have to concentrate on leaving you be. It’s difficult and hopefully won’t be sending you the wrong message, but your worth all of my struggles.

    I love you terribly so, and I know it’s the same for you. I’m just not ready for it to end, I know we could have an excellent future together. How? because thats what we both want. Cori Smith told me now I should be trying my hardest to get you back, but I just didn’t agree with her. I told her, I don’t know how to do that without upsetting her. Like believe me, that’s all I want right now, I couldn’t care about anything else, but how do I do it, how do I even fathom accomplishing this difficult task? I have to somehow prove to you that I can change for the better, and I have to stick to it. It’s not likely you’ll notice the changes. I mean were not together, You would be the only one that would notice them, why do I still bother? because I haven’t given up hope with us yet. My hope is still there, and its lighting a fire under my ass to get myself moving. If I got you back now, you wouldn’t be happy, Most likely I would just be taking advantage of you while your not sure. that’s wrong. I’m trying to avoid doing that, and I’m being successful, I voice my mind, I tell you I want you, but I’m afraid of taking the extra steps to secure you in my arms. Coming back to me, has to be your decision. Its up to you you know? I know you’ll do whatever is best for you, I don’t want you to consider my feelings in your decision, just your own, why? because it won’t work unless you can be happy. I want you to be happy with me, but if its not possible I don’t want you to be miserable with me, because again thats just not right. This situation really is a mindfuck, and I can’t explain it besides I just wouldn’t’ be happy manipulating you back, or even convincing you that its the right choice, I don’t want to influence your decision. The hard parts already over though, and it went smoothly. I talked, I listened, I didn’t object, I’m willing to try anything to make you happy. I just wish there could be an easier way somehow.

    I just wish I were ready to give up so I didn’t have to go on and on about how much I want you back. I wish I could hate you. I don’t have any reason too though. You’ve been nothing but great with me and for me. I owe you my life.

    Remember that time in the beginning when you slept over and had to go to work early in the morning? you thought something was wrong, but couldn’t tell, and then I woke up to paramedics in my room with an IV in my arm? that’s not your fault you just didn’t know what was up. Now, you would be all over that, you would give me sundrop and possibly something to eat. You truly are a wonderful person, and if you don’t see it that’s a shame. I mean yeah, when someone crosses you, they are pretty much done, they’ll get yelled at and whatnot, but still they had to cross you for you to get to that point. What you do is pretty deserving, your not afraid to voice your opinion and thats one of the things I love so greatly about you. If somethings wrong you can count on her to say something, she’ll be like what the fuck are you doing?

    I don’t know, I’m feeling extremely desperate right now. Why does it take so long for me to be willing to change? why do I have to wait until I feel like its needed, rather than when you feel its needed? I hate to be added to the list of ex’s, I hope that I will always remain at the top, and I hope I’ll always be in your thoughts. Eventually it will begin to make you smile. It may take a while, but it will get there eventually I know this. Your the love of my life sam, and I’ll be damned if something comes between that. These emotions I don’t think could ever be regenerated, I never gave zoe her space when she asked for it. It could have potentially even saved that relationship had I just done that. Look at this, I’m learning from previous experiences. If this break up is for real and I pray to god it will fall through, it was the best. Its not easy, but its just so beautiful. I don’t know how to look at it besides sad and beautiful, I’ll forever look back to that tuesday night, and smile, knowing I did the right thing, I let this girl go. She just wasn’t happy with me, it took me a while to see it yea, and it was mostly my fault yea, but I still am letting you do what you need to do to try and achieve your happiness. I have no desire to flirt, or to even look at another girl, have I looked at them? yes, but it always ends with sadness, it always always finds a path right back to you and how I’m releasing you. I am going to remain exclusive to you. I can’t even ask for you to do the same, but I know you will for a while, but I can’t even begin to expect it, that day will come, and when it does I only hope to god that I am able to handle myself. I know I’ll be extremely jealous and I probably won’t even be able to look at you without bursting into tears for a long time. But if it happens, make sure its worth it, while I won’t disappear for forever, I will disappear for a while. I’ll have to go against everything my brain is telling me to tell you because it will just end in flames for the both of us, and I can’t be that guy anymore, I can’t ruin everything for you.

    Just know that I love you, and while I desperately crave you, there is something that is more important. Thats you. Your more important, I’m putting all of my emotions, and everything my head is telling me to do away, tucked away in my head so that I don’t push you away forever. So while everything I’m doing is difficult, and requires a tremendous amount of will power, I just pray to god it will be worth it, I really truly hope you find your happiness, I just wish it could be found with me, but again, I can’t be selfish, I have to hold my ground on this decision. For you to be happy its required. IF its what it takes for your happiness I’m doing it. Thats all there is to it now. I’m going to make you happy as fuck, whether it be just by listening to you, or taking you back as a changed man.

    I’ll love you forever and always, and you’ll forever hold that key to my heart, just don’t forget about me. No matter what happens, If I become crazy stalker which I hope I don’t, I beg that you don’t just ignore me, but talk to me, explain to me how I’m acting wrong, and why it has to stop, I hope that I can listen to that and stop myself. I’m not trying to be crazy stalker though, thats not a path I plan on going down but its always a what if.

    You’ll forever remain in my heart, no matter what happens, you’ll always be there. Even If i am in a vegetative state, I’ll be dreaming about you and nothing else.

    I just hope you see everything that I have. I’ve done nothing but think about this, and since the last time I feel like my brain has opened up a lot more. I’m observing and reflecting. I’m telling you my feelings, and I’m hoping that your listening, I mean you reflecting could help, but it isn’t required. I thank you for still talking to me, you’ve done nothing but help through this horrible time. and while our sadness is shitty, its beautiful. When you told me you would miss me yesterday, I was thinking the same thing since I touched your hand. and while it was sad, it was such a beautiful moment in my life. Were not mad at each other, we can still stand to be around each other and talk shit out.

    You truly make me feel special, and I just hope that in some way over the course of us dating, I’ve done the same thing.

    they say the good memories are the more difficult to remember. I want you to remember them, don’t forget them, hold onto them for dear life. I’m not saying forget the bad, but for every bad memory you think of, you should try and think of a good one. Its difficult but will make everything seem a lot better. If you think about ali, think about our trip to Allegheny, oh man that was a blast. Even though we only stayed one night, and couldn’t find the trail lol It was still a terrific adventure that we both shared. Even the drive down there was fun.

    I’m just going to miss everything without you. Shit just seems so uneventful without you there. I hope this will change.

    I know this was probably depressing to read, I appreciate you reading it though. I really love you dearly. and please don’t let my desire to get back with you influence your choice of what to do. I just need to make you happy. and I will, I don’t care what it takes, I don’t care how hard it will be, I am going to make you happy one day.

    I love you so much, forever and always yours,

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    One Response to She’ll find her happiness I hope

    1. Best wishes
      March 24, 2012 at 10:13 am

      I hope you end up getting her back , I really do . Good luck and I hope you find your happiness too .



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