• Ever Wonder?

    by  • March 23, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Grief • 9 Comments

    My friends have asked me in the past why I don’t believe in God. I keep having to tell them that’s not true. I believe in a god, just not the christian God. I cannot bring myself to believe in a just and loving god. Not after the last few years.

    My mother gets MS, and cancer… My grandpa gets cancer, has to get a pace maker and half of a leg replaced… My grandmother had to have a hip replaced… My aunt had to have a tumor removed… My uncle lost his youngest daughter to SIDS… I lost my father to a heart attack… And now both of my closest friends also have cancer…

    I can understand hardship to test people… But this is too much, all within the last two years.

    I can’t say that I’m depressed, or suicidal or attempting to harm myself, I just don’t know what to do. How do I start to cope with all this, when anyone I would turn to for support is slipping away?

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    9 Responses to Ever Wonder?

    1. Enjay
      March 23, 2012 at 11:27 am

      I’ll do my best not to sound preachy, but no guarantees..

      The thing with the Christian God is that He doesn’t cause our afflictions. They are the product of a broken and fallen world and since we are all in the midst of it, we ALL have to deal with the diseases, accidents, deformities, and downright cruel nature of this world.

      “Pain was not God’s plan for this life. It is a reality, but it is not a part of the plan.” ~Ted Dekker. God doesn’t interfere to shield us from that pain either, whether we are righteous or unrighteous. I understand it’s difficult to grasp how a supposedly loving and just God could stand by and watch His people suffer physically, but rest assured He does care for your well-being, as well as those you hold most dear. The thing is, He’s more concerned with your spiritual well-being than your physical health because your body will pass away, but your soul is eternal.

      “[God] causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.” ~Matthew 5:45 We are all human’s here, subject to the same benefits and detriments of this world. Some manage to escape some of these horrible detriments while others wallow in the worst of them, as your situation appears to reflect. But for those who appear to have it all, does it really matter if they don’t know Christ? “What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?” ~Mark 8:36.

      Life is indeed hard, for some moreso than others, and I know that these circumstances in your life can feel like they are crushing the air from your lungs. But if there’s anything that I am sure of, it is that having God, the Christian God, in your life makes it all the m ore bearable. The tangible melts away. What our eyes can see fades away and becomes trivial. The afflictions and the agony come second to a hope and Love that cannot be matched!! I have seen it firsthand and experienced it myself, albeit in a much different manner than yourself.

      I will indeed be praying for you. I suggest taking a chance and finding a church, finding a pastor or someone there you can talk to and hopefully receive some support and guidance. You are also more than free to talk to me if you would like. I’d love to help in whatever way I can.

      Either way, I sincerely wish you the best and dearly hope things turn around for you soon.

      In Christ,


    2. Ivan
      March 23, 2012 at 8:35 pm

      You fool. You dangle Bible verses out on a string attempting to show your stance of authority and strength of argument. All that matters is that she is in pain. It doesn’t matter if God is up there in sky. Some people can’t feel God. I have friends who attend a Christian college but have never “felt God’s love.” To them that is a foreign emotion more spiritually inclined people create. What matters is she is in pain. The only way to make other pain more bearable is to share our stories and know we are not alone.

      Here is my story. I tried to kill myself two weeks ago. For the first time since them I’m not sure I want to live anymore again. I just get flooded with emotions and I see the world as dark. I see myself being alone. I have never really found love with a woman and I’m in love with a man but don’t want to admit it to myself. I struggle everyday to find something of value. To attach myself to life so I don’t feel like I’m floating above the clouds unattached. I try not to hate myself and let myself feel grace. The problem is I don’t feel redeemed. Praying doesn’t work because I lost my faith. Christ is a first century prophet who died on the cross for me. Not the Son of God. So you’re not alone.

      Let the grief pour over you. Surrender to it and weep. Just weep for as long as you can and accept it doesn’t all make sense. Accept that life is chaotic random and nothing is out there planning things for us or else we wouldn’t fall into suffering so easily. Pray if you believe in some sort of God. But don’t be persuaded that you need Christianity. Just weep that is all you need to do. My heart goes out to you. I hope you find solace and the pain subsides after a couple weeks. But who can tell. I can never. Just be exist. Be at peace when you can.


    3. Enjay
      March 23, 2012 at 9:35 pm

      My heart goes out for both of you, in ways I can’t express. I don’t wish to argue theology or assert any form of authority. I am merely trying to offer a path of redemption and life in the midst of pain and struggle. I’ll never claim to have all the answers, but I DO know that God’s Love is always there, whether you have ever felt it or not, waiting to be *willingly* accepted. It *is* a choice, but one that could change your life.

      P.S. And I never said she needed Christianity. Only that she needed the Christian God. Big difference.


    4. saddened
      March 23, 2012 at 10:12 pm

      In all truth in all of my life you are only the second person I know that has faced so many hardships so close together. The other person is my mom. I am sorry that you are going through so many horrific things. I know that it is very difficult to believe in God when we are facing trials but He does exist nonetheless; whether we believe it or not is completely irrelevant.
      Please, please I ask you that you open your heart and your spirit to Him and ask Him to help you face all these terrible things you are going through. My mom tells me she only survived because of her faith that there is something better and somebody higher than ourselves. Have faith and May the peace of God that surpasses all understanding fills your whole being from head to toe. God bless you and help you through all this. <3


    5. someone
      March 23, 2012 at 11:34 pm

      I’m wondering where you live and if the water and soil should be tested immediately for toxins. Is this is a widespread problem in your community? The odds are startling. I’m really sorry for your losses. Stay healthy and stay strong.


    6. B
      March 23, 2012 at 11:34 pm

      Enjay – I used to believe in your God. Felt the love like you do, went to church, embraced everything he had to offer. I can no longer bring myself to believe in that God. It’s not even for lack of trying, I just don’t have it in me to give myself to Him anymore. I don’t really care what the bible has to say about anything. It can be quoted to try and help prove any and every point of view, so ti me it holds no merit.
      Understand this: to me, religion and faith are very different things. A religion is a set of beliefs structured around a moral code to help people find their way in times where their own moral compass is lacking. A faith is whatever higher power you do or don’t believe in, and how you as an individual go about believing. It’s not something anyone can tell you or show you, it just is. The two, to me, are very different. Every religion is based on a very similar set of morals aimed at having people be good to themselves and to others. Whereas faith will differ person to person. You believe in the christian God, and good on you for that. I don’t, so please leave it at that.
      That said, thank you for your kind words, they mean more than you may realize.

      Ivan – Rare is it that you see someone speak with such blatant honesty and objectivity about the world they live in. For that I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I wish you all the best. You too are not alone, we can share in our suffering and in that, find some sort of peace.


    7. B
      March 23, 2012 at 11:38 pm

      Please don’t misinterpret my post as a cry to find God. I am in no spiritual turmoil, it’s mentioned in the letter because it always seems to come up when hardships are talked about.

      As I’ve said, I cannot believe in the christian God anymore, nor do I want to. I have made my peace with that, and I have found my own way. I have my own faith, my own way of believing. Please let me have it. Please leave it at that



    8. B
      March 23, 2012 at 11:45 pm

      Someone – The area I’m in seems to be more disposed to producing MS than cancer. Though it may be something to do with the area, I’m not sure. That may be something to bring up to my doctor. Thank you

      Saddened – Thank you for the kind words, but this heart is one that has no more patience for being pained by a God. I’m done with that sort of thinking. I will still pray, but not to the God you do. I am sorry to hear of your Mothers issues, I wish you both the best


    9. Jenilia
      April 13, 2012 at 9:46 am

      I’m sorry to hear your problems that you have faced in last two years.It’s not easy for a human to tolerate to much, but you have to be strong to face these problems.I think that your area is not fine where you live.You should change your living place.



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