Dear Mom… The anniversary of your death is coming up. I can’t believe it’s been almost a year. I think it’s so hard to believe because i’ve been so numb. I’ve had my moments, where i’ve lost it and cried. But I usually kept it under control, for dad. I can’t do that anymore. I miss you! It’s not fair what you went through, what dad went through, what I went through and that I had to lose you. I had to lose you twice. I hated you for so long for being sick. I’m so sorry. It was just the disease I hated. I hated seeing what it did to you. I hated knowing that might be me or see Joe and Sara. I keep seeing your face, how sick you were, how much you suffered and how skinny you were. It was all in your face. I think now that’s why I avoided looking at you or limiting how long I looked at you. I’m so sorry mom. I could have done better taking care of you. I should have read to you. I should have talked to you. Who cares if you couldn’t talk back. I should have painted your nails. So many things I wish I would have done. That last day or any day that you were in the nursing home, I didn’t try to talk to you. I never told you I loved you. Now I can’t. I can type it and I can say it but you’re not here for me to tell you. You’re not here for me to hug you, go shopping with, get our nails done together or to just talk.. to simply say I love you. I’m tired of being numb, scared and lost. I need you mommy. I wish you were here. I need you.