I should be awake thinking about him, but instead I’m thinking of you. I feel guilty about that. He is my husband. He’s in my life. I should be worried about him. I should be thinking about tomorrow with him, not tomorrow with you.
Today, I felt so selfish. I had such conflicting feelings. I am so far from him. When he talked to me, I just wanted him to shut-up. I helped him out of obligation. Some will say that is love, but I don’t believe it is.
I’m only with him for the kids. Only. I really realized that when he got hurt. I realized it when I couldn’t feel empathy or sympathy for his situation, only for how it has spoiled things. Maybe I’m narcisstic and rude to think this way, or maybe I’m just human.
I was lying in bed thinking of touching you. I was thinking of what it would feel like to hold you and kiss you. I could literally feel your arms wrapped around me, and I felt comfort. I know you feel it. I can feel you opening up to me about things. We can talk about everything, and I love that about you. I just wish I could feel that way about him. Am I blocking the feeling or was it never there?