I’ve become her. The stranger that I’ve feared for the longest time, the transition’s complete and I don’t know if there’s any turning back. There’s still a piece of who I used to be inside a relatively small one at that and I feel that every time I try to care, try to be the girl I used to be, she takes over and blocks what little motivation I manage to muster up. My drive is being suppressed by her stamped out like a small fire fighting to breathe.Now because of her carelessness I’ve been pushed back farther than I have ever in my life before, I can feel myself taking steps backwards while everyone else moves ahead like a venom she consumes every cell inside me, and my old self becoming weaker and weaker … things that used to be the wind at my back, pushing me forward in life don’t work anymore my will to succeed at this point is minimal, my family, friends as important they are don’t seem to do for me what they used to not because they stopped trying but because I no longer have the strength in me to keep up, to change my ways. The will to do things if not for myself, do it for them is diminishing like sinking in quick sand rapidly being lost. I’m not suicidal; I’m not going to kill myself…I promise I don’t have it in me to do that I never will and I can’t do that to people I have here that would in no way or means be fair to them. But I’m scared because every morning I wake up I look myself in the eye in the bathroom mirror and I don’t like what I see because I see her, I see what I’ve let myself become. A stranger inside, like someone else inhabits this body with me and she’s winning now beginning to define who I am, and the girl I used to be? She’s fading slipping away becoming nothing but an old memory. My future
(academically, career, identity) is on the line now and she’s destroying it and I feel so consumed so weak, so stupid that I can do nothing but watch her pulverize what I used to hold close to my heart. I’m in chains locked away cant move, stuck, being held prisoner by myself. You know that feeling you get when you fall in your sleep and you wake up, well I can’t wake up. I let them down, all of them; my friend’s, peers, teachers, family and most of all myself. I let down the person I knew I could’ve been, and the future I could have had.
And it’s no ones fault but my own because I stood by doing or saying absolutely nothing, not asking anyone for help while I let myself become her. Nothing but A stranger.
You know it’s bad when what you fear most… is what you’ve become