• stranger

    by  • March 22, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Disappointment • 3 Comments

    I’ve become her. The stranger that I’ve feared for the longest time, the transition’s complete and I don’t know if there’s any turning back. There’s still a piece of who I used to be inside a relatively small one at that and I feel that every time I try to care, try to be the girl I used to be, she takes over and blocks what little motivation I manage to muster up. My drive is being suppressed by her stamped out like a small fire fighting to breathe.Now because of her carelessness I’ve been pushed back farther than I have ever in my life before, I can feel myself taking steps backwards while everyone else moves ahead like a venom she consumes every cell inside me, and my old self becoming weaker and weaker … things that used to be the wind at my back, pushing me forward in life don’t work anymore my will to succeed at this point is minimal, my family, friends as important they are don’t seem to do for me what they used to not because they stopped trying but because I no longer have the strength in me to keep up, to change my ways. The will to do things if not for myself, do it for them is diminishing like sinking in quick sand rapidly being lost. I’m not suicidal; I’m not going to kill myself…I promise I don’t have it in me to do that I never will and I can’t do that to people I have here that would in no way or means be fair to them. But I’m scared because every morning I wake up I look myself in the eye in the bathroom mirror and I don’t like what I see because I see her, I see what I’ve let myself become. A stranger inside, like someone else inhabits this body with me and she’s winning now beginning to define who I am, and the girl I used to be? She’s fading slipping away becoming nothing but an old memory. My future
    (academically, career, identity) is on the line now and she’s destroying it and I feel so consumed so weak, so stupid that I can do nothing but watch her pulverize what I used to hold close to my heart. I’m in chains locked away cant move, stuck, being held prisoner by myself. You know that feeling you get when you fall in your sleep and you wake up, well I can’t wake up. I let them down, all of them; my friend’s, peers, teachers, family and most of all myself. I let down the person I knew I could’ve been, and the future I could have had.

    And it’s no ones fault but my own because I stood by doing or saying absolutely nothing, not asking anyone for help while I let myself become her. Nothing but A stranger.

    You know it’s bad when what you fear most… is what you’ve become

    3 Responses to stranger

    1. Angel
      March 22, 2012 at 11:53 am

      If I looked in my journal archives, I would swear that I wrote this exact letter. It look like a carbon copy of my text from about 6-7 months ago. You seem to have the dual internal self as well. One part of you that is vibrant and adventurous about success, life , education and the world in general- and then there is a self destructive being that lives in fear and anxiety for no defined or apparent reason. I hate it too. It’s like someone is pulling you back with a shepherds stick and laughing at you while you scrape to run away from the negative but it somehow catches up with you and locks you down with a power that you can not explain. It becomes frustrating and confusing to those around you.. I know. I get it. They think you are just being lazy or don’t care about your future, etc.. and you know in your heart that this could not be further from the truth. Some times you feel lost and alone with no reason for it and not for the sake of the dramatics. It is complicated. I know. Doctors call it depression and anxiety. Friends and family call it confusing and lovers call it crazy. It’s hard. It’s not your fault. I wish I could tell you that it gets easier, but that is not the case. You will let this other person go from time to time and then she will come back when you need her to go away the most. It’s a constant internal battle. But what I will tell you, is knowing that you are not alone in these feelings, is the one comfort I can offer you. when you are at your best, fly high.. when you are at the low points- know they exist and lean on the loved ones around you when you need to. They want to help. As hard as that is to accept from an independent woman, it is true.Not a stranger , just another part of you. You will get through.. Take Care,

    2. DC
      March 23, 2012 at 11:26 am

      I swear this was written by someone I used to know.

    3. Priya
      June 17, 2012 at 2:50 pm

      angel you’re right. i wrote this feeling overwhelmed in my class and some days i get back to being me..others i feel numb, only numb not happy or sad regardless of who or what would usually cheer me up. i wrote this in january and its now june and not alot has changed “she” comes and goes as she pleases under her terms and that too at the worst of times like youve mentioned everything you wrote seems to be true, so far its been pretty accurate. im okay, but who in life wants to be just okay? i wish i could be happy like i used to, laugh like i used to, be me again like i used to

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