We met online. Not even a dating site. Just…online. It’s where lonely people go. We talked. You smiled at me. That captivated me, and that’s why I stayed. And then I found out you came from my home, and I couldn’t let you go, so I showed you my body to try to compel you to stay with me, for a while at least. It worked. I was vulnerable, and so when we skyped later on I gave you more than before and I begged you to meet me once I came back home. We made plans. I drove an hour through pouring rain and parked near a mall and you were sitting outside the theater, waiting. We talked, and walked. I told you how scared I was, but that I still wanted to give you everything. I gave you everything from my first kiss to my virginity that day. It was classic, timeless, in the back seat of my car. It was painful. I’ve never felt more pain. Now I don’t know when I’ll see you again and I don’t know who to talk to and I don’t know who I am. I don’t know why I needed to do all that with you, almost a stranger. We’re both the same and very, very different. You’re joining the army. I didn’t think I would feel attached, but somehow I can’t let go. I’m sorry it wasn’t as good for you, that it hurt me so much, that I was so scared. I wish I could have been better. I wish I could try again. In another life, this would work. I just don’t know where any of it is going. I don’t understand what made me do those things. Your warmth was so good. So reassuring. I keep playing back the moments where you just held me and I could feel your heart beating into my skin.
I miss you and I don’t know why. We’re almost strangers. I can’t love you the way people talk about love, but you’re my first. My first for everything. I know why I wanted it to be you, because you were raised in the same land, by the same kind of people, around the trees and the mountains and the rain. My soul could speak to yours on that level. I needed my first time to be with someone who understood those parts of me. But I don’t know why I really did it. I don’t know why I went through with it. I miss you and I miss you and I can’t stop. I can’t stop. I was broken and you told me I was beautiful and you meant those words and that was all I had to hold onto. I miss you. I don’t know who I am.
Please don’t leave me.