I inhale deeply and try to make sense of what this truly is.
I close my eyes and I feel your presence. My body thinks that yours is close. I inhale and my heart flutters as it makes my mind imagine that you are walking closer towards me. I get butterflies and I cannot explain this. The tears start sputtering out and trying to make themselves visible but I hold my eye shut tight and don’t allow for your presence to subside into what reality actually is. I miss your touch I miss your smile I miss everything there is about you. I miss leaning you for anything I hate myself for letting us get this far and forcing you to change your plans for me. I hate the world for there needing to be a war in the first place and the main reason that you are away from me all the time. I hate the Navy for continuing to postpone everything. I hate that you wont be here for one of the most important days of my life. I hate that I’m so selfish and I can’t suck it up for your sake. I hate that I pretend that everything is alright and that you and I are perfect. I hate that I question if you’ll still love me the same when you get back. I hate that I feel the need to have you all to myself. I hate sooo much more than anything that this has brought out so much hate in me. Hate I never imagined I’d be having so much hate in my heart only because the one I LOVE is committed to something he signed up for years ago. To you your commitment is our country and to me you are mine….
Exhale close my eyes and try to sleep and pretend that my life is perfect and plaster the smile on my face to disguise all of this pain so others don’t drown me in my own.