So this is it?
After all we’ve been through this is how it ends? Some might not see it that way but then again they don’t know that with everyday, every forced smile, or happy picture I paint I die a little on the inside…
I never told you how much you meant to me even after you kissed me. I left for school and you stayed around our small town never knowing that I’d give it all up for you, because that’s the thing we tried so hard to prevent: falling too hard. Everywhere we went people would ask if we were in love or together or sometimes even the marriage question but you have always, no matter, what been my best friend; it didn’t matter that you have been the only person to ever make me feel so many things I could never begin to describe. I still walked away because you never asked me to stay. So there I was lost in a new world without my heart because it was with you.
And that’s when we fell apart.
You didn’t know but I still blamed you and that was just the beginning of the pile of unfair that was being built. Two of my friends passed away within 3 weeks of each other and you weren’t there…one of the people that I never thought would not be there….all for a girl you didn’t tell me about till it was too late. The damage was done. I was broken and lost. Not only had I lost a life long friend (and a more recent one) but the one person I needed avoided me for, of all things, a girl. Because she was so fucking important right?? You hadn’t even started dating her and then you dated all of what a month!?! Meanwhile I had hit rock bottom…depression does horrible things to a persons mind and there I was lost in my own mind…..
5 months go by and I’m still so twisted in my own self and when I sometimes hit reality I’m reminded of how wrong I was to be pissed at you about any of it, you had no idea what had really transpired and the agony I was in over losing my friends. But the worst part of all? Is in those dark days it was you and all our memories that kept the tiny bit of sanity I had left in tact.
What you still don’t know is the depression is why I moved back home…not the “family stuff” I politely told everyone.
So we started a new game.
One that still cuts me like a knife every time we play.
Avoiding&Ignoring is the name of the game.
That is until I finally told you about my two friends and you felt like the biggest asshole ever. But sadly, no that title still lies with me because I was cold and played it off like I didn’t care that you dated anyone that I had no feelings for you. You know me too well though, you could tell I was hiding something but you didn’t push further (why do you never push further??) because we agreed to being best friends again….so why isn’t it the same? you don’t avoid me or ignore me now but a wall is up, one I never imagined would be there. So I sit quietly by as other girls talk about you or to you and every word that rolls of their tongues causes a sharp pain in my chest. I can’t breathe. Yet I remain more silent then ever as I slowly die on the inside with every smile, look, and day you fade away because I can’t say….
I’m in love with you.