• Dear Me

    by  • March 21, 2012 • Anger • 3 Comments

    Why do you do this to yourself? Why do you do this to anyone? You are stupid. That is all there is to it. I’m amazed that you can even figure out how to breathe properly.

    There is no reason to feel this way, no reason to go through this. Is it making you stronger? Is it making her feel any better? No, it’s fucking not. You’re hurting yourself and, more importantly, you’re hurting her.

    Yeah, maybe she did forgive you, but she shouldn’t have. She should have told you to go fuck with someone else. People make mistakes, but you aren’t a person. You aren’t worth that much. You don’t get that luxury. You aren’t allowed to fuck up, not when it hurts her like it did.

    Because the simple fact is that you aren’t good enough in any way. Not for her and not for anyone. If you were stronger you’d leave her so that she wouldn’t make the mistake of being with you. You’d silence that stupid fucking voice that even suggests you might not be as horrible as we both know you are.

    So I guess when I asked why you do this at the beginning of the letter, that was silly of me. You do it because you deserve to hurt, because you have no worth. You shouldn’t feel happy, you should trick yourself or anyone into believing that there is a single good thing about you. Maybe you’re hurting her now, but that’s for the best because soon enough she’ll leave and then you can be all fucking alone. You can stop hurting everyone else and just focus on yourself. That’s the way it should be. You deserve to suffer alone, not drag everyone down with you.

    I hate you.

    3 Responses to Dear Me

    1. that girl
      March 21, 2012 at 12:57 pm

      I don’t know your situation, but…

      You know something… you are worth it…and in her eyes and what she sees is beyond what you see in yourself. You deserve to be happy and if you find yourself being so then you should cherish that and not let it go. Frankly, the fact that you want the best for her and don’t want to hurt her just shows how much you love and care about her. If so, then become the person that she needs you to be, but don’t let her go.

      Let the light and what she sees in you come true…and let someone believe in you. You are worth it. Too many times we focus on the bad things that we do without realizing that the biggest person that is holding back happiness is yourself. You need to forgive yourself for the things you have done, and realize that everyone makes mistakes and does things that they aren’t proud of in life.

      The best thing to do would be to work it out with her…together. Wishing you the best in everything…

    2. Selfpity
      March 21, 2012 at 2:18 pm

      the best excuse to face yourself and actually change what you know is wrong. Forgive me, if this sounds harsh but face it, it’s true and sometimes the truth hurts. YOU have the power to change yourself but YOU have to WANT it to make it so.
      YOU ARE worth it and whoever made you believe you have to put yourself down like this? Whoever led you down this path to have no faith in yourself and your self worth?
      Harsh words, I know. True words.
      People like you make confuse the hell out of me because I never know if I rather want to hug you tight and smother you with love, or shake some sense into you.
      Take a deep breath and realize – everything has a reason and often we hurt the ones we love the most. Go to the root why you did what you did (whatever that was), what was the reason? What got you there and why? Is it you that needs to change or maybe rather a situation in your life? Reason clearly and do what you have to without beating yourself down like this – NOBODY deserves this, and not you either. (Frankly makes me wonder if it’s not other people around you, instead of you).
      Tough, and how you feel sucks! I don’t know you but I love you anyway!

    3. Enjay
      March 21, 2012 at 5:37 pm

      I am typically gentler, but I agree with Selfpity. You are alive, you are breathing, and therefore you are far more than worth it. Anything worth having will require a fight to obtain, and as long as you remain in this apathetic, unmotivated state you will never crawl out of this pit of self-loathing.

      You messed up? You’ve hurt someone dear to you? Then congratulations: you are HUMAN! We all screw up and we all hurt those closest to us. Do we just not try because we know we may fail again in the future? If everybody adopted that frame of mind the human race would have ceased to exist long ago.

      So pick yourself up, dust yourself off, tend to your wounds and get back into this fight. Obviously she forgave you because she still believes in you. Rather than doom yourself and thus doom her faith in you, why not prove to her that her faith is well placed? Take a stand, right here and now, to leave the past in the past and continue to fight, if only for her. Let her see you grow and become the person she knows you can be.

      If you hate yourself now, determine all the reasons why then seek to eliminate them, one by one. It is not out of your reach. I should know, because I’ve been there. Sometimes I’m STILL there because I still mess up. but it’s not about whether or not you fall, but rather about if you are willing to pick yourself back up each time. Maybe try turning to God and allowing Him to help piece you back together to find out the TRUE meaning of worth and Love. You may still have a ways to go, my friend, but you are far from out of this fight. Just please, do not accept defeat when victory is not as far away as you may think.

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