I’m not usually one for pity parties… but i guess that’s why i’m writing this on here rather than saying it elsewhere. This life I’m living at 22 years old is something I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy, and it seems pointless to continue. I won’t even get into my 12+ years of traumatic event after traumatic event.
My “best friends” both ditched me as soon as they got boyfriends… haven’t heard from either of them in months… one of them since the beginning of december. clearly they aren’t really my best friends. I’ve got nobody else to hang out with because I moved away for 4 years thinking I’d be staying there for the rest of my life and stopped talking to almost everyone I went to school with back “home” because I had never really fit in with them anyway… they’re so uptight and concerned with superficial things which I learned at a young age weren’t worth worrying over. while I was away i made an ass load of amazing friends, who I’ve since learned weren’t so amazing after all- when I had to move back “home” in july for medical reasons, none of them made an effort to keep in contact with me. two of the girls who were supposedly my best friends from there had made plans to take a trip to visit me, we had a date set and everything, had all sorts of plans for that weekend. The night before they were supposed to arrive i hadn’t really heard much from them so I got in contact and asked if they were still planning on driving out here. They responded with a no and a poor excuse.
I’m always unknowingly getting myself involved with guys who seem to be genuine and caring, but then they just screw me over. They tell me that I didn’t deserve it, they’re so sorry, I deserve so much better… you know, the classic lines… and after some time passes by I hear from them again when they tell me how much they regret what they did and how much they really cared and still care… but I’ve learned that I can’t give in to those guys again because I’ll just keep getting hurt. One has gone as far as telling me how stupid he was and how he actually loves me and would marry me in a heartbeat if he was given the chance because, as he claims, I’m the kind of girl who all the guys really want, but they go after the ones who are easy instead because they’re too interested in getting it in and not having to settle down at that point in time.
I don’t know what it is… I’d say its that i’m a bitch or annoying or whatever, but they all tell me how much they love me and how nice i am and how they appreciate that i’m always there for them and fun to be around. if i find it appropriate to try to talk to them about it, they tell me how shitty they feel for how they treat me and that they don’t want to or mean to… yet they make no effort to change. of course I can’t change anyone, they can only change themselves, so there’s nothing I can do about it. I guess I must be doing something wrong though… I have no idea what. It’s hard to believe that anyone really thinks so highly of me when they won’t back it up. I try not to let it show, but it really takes a toll on my self esteem.
I’m anxious to get a job and go back to school, do something productive with my life, but I’ve been going to so many doctor appointments that it’s hard to commit to something like that just now. (which is something else that makes having no friends suck… not much in the way of people to help keep my mind off of it all) With a job and school, I’d be able to meet new people, make some new friends… but this… this is rough. I feel like I’m just trying to survive day to day at this point, wandering around life aimlessly without anyone who doesn’t have the same DNA as me. Yes, I know… i’m so lucky to at least have my family… but having literally no friends can be just as painful as having no family behind you.
tired of being sick, tired of doctor appointments, I’m tired of not being able to sleep and having horrid nightmares on a nightly basis, tired of waking up every day not knowing if i’ll be stuck on the couch puking or if i’ll be able to try to find something to do no matter how much i try to will myself into being healthy, i’m tired of not having friends who are there for me, i’m tired of not having friends at all, I’m tired of guys who treat me like shit, and then try to come back to me even though they know how much they hurt me, i’m tired of being that person who cant help but be there for someone when they need me, knowing that these same people aren’t there for me when I need a shoulder. I’m tired of having no place to go.
I’m tired of living.
What could I have possibly done to deserve all of this?
to anyone who’s taken the time to read this, thank you.