• Can’t get you out of my head

    by  • March 20, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Grief, Those Gone Before Us • 0 Comments

    As it gets closer to your birthday I just can’t get you out of my head. You are seriously all I think about lately. I have so much homework I need to do and so many things going on but you are all that I can think about. I need to stop being so upset over this. We are going to celebrate the life you lived. It is going to be a beautiful day. I’m glad that I get to be the one planning everything and that I can make this better for you and your family. I want your birthday to be a good day. I want us to all remember the good things about you and the amazing life you lived. But I can’t stop thinking about the life you are supposed to have now. You are supposed to be alive. You are supposed to be making the world a better place. You werent supposed to take your own life. It was just not supposed to happen. You are supposed to be here with me. As I’m making this picture collage for your family and I’m going through all of these old pictures I just feel so overwhelmed. I miss you so much. I miss the person I was when I was with you. I hate feeling like I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about you. They have heard it all and are most likely sick of listening to me. Or they haven’t heard any of it and hardly know who you are but I don’t want to freak them out by talking about my best friend who commited suicide. I just feel so alone. I feel so lost without you. And even though you have been gone for a year and a half now it still feels like I can’t function correctly. I’ve been doing pretty good. I’ve been learning how to live my life again and not have it completely surrounded around you. But as the date of your birthday creeps up I just can’t seem to be ok. I need to have my head in a good spot right now. I have too much going on to let you drag me down again to the point where I can’t do anything right. I just want to cry. I just want to sit and cry for days but I can’t. I have too much to do. I can’t let you down. I can’t let your family down. I can’t let every one down but I just don’t care about anything. Please help me get my head on straight. Help me find a way to see your upcomming birthday as a positive thing and focus on making it a good day for everyone. I put way too much pressure on myself to do well, and I’m letting myself down. I need to finish this week of school, do well at my job interview tomorrow, ace my test on friday, and finish planning for your day. Then when I go back home I can set things up and take care of everything that needs to be done there. But for now I can’t worry about how Sunday is going to go. I can’t worry about how I am going to feel, and I can’t feel like shit because you are not here. I know you’re around. I know you love me, and I know that you want me to do my best at everything. You have faith in me that I will make your birthday a success and I will do great at my interview and with everything else I need to accomplish before the weekend. I just wish I could hear it from you. I miss hearing you tell me how much you believed in me. I miss how much you really loved me. And I miss the person I was when I was with you. But I’ll be ok. I know I will. I just have to try to get you out of my head for a little while. Please help me feel ok again. I love you so much and I hope you are in a better place. No matter what, you always have my heart. Don’t you forget it..and I’ll never let go of yours<3

    Leave a Reply