Life is too messy. They told me life was messy but it was supposed to be messy in that beautiful way – disorganized, random, but overall beautiful and happy. Well maybe I have a hormonal imbalance or maybe I just can’t come to terms with life – is this it? I spent the summer before I turned 11 waiting for a letter from Hogwarts and on September first of that year I cried myself to sleep because I truly thought, truly believed, that something extraordinary was going to happen to me. By now I’ve learned that if you want extraordinary things you have to work for them, and I seem to be incredibly lazy. It’s like I’m two different people. On one hand I want to be off adventuring but part of me (obviously the winning part) is perfectly content to sit here on my ass and be a total nerd. And of course the worst part is that I think I could be happy here – I’ve got a wonderful boyfriend, and friends and a budding career – except the adventuring side of me simply cannot accept that this counts as life. So I have come to the conclusion that it is impossible to be happy where I am now. But how to fix it? That is the million dollar question. Perhaps I need to travel – oh, wait, that takes money, and we now come full circle to the root of my problem. You must work for the extraordinary, and I am incredibly lazy. One of the seven deadly sins has taken hold of me and doesn’t seem to want to let go.
They don’t teach you this stuff growing up. You’re all bright-eyed and optimistic and they send you out into the world hoping that optimism carries you through to something amazing you can tell your grandkids about. And they warn you about alcohol and cigarettes and credit card frauds. But they don’t tell you about the pitfalls that are laziness and settling for less.
I’m so far in now that I don’t know how to get out. I don’t know if it’ll take something drastic or if I should just start taking baby steps. All I know is my life has been cloudy with a chance of happiness for three years and I am sick of it.
Baby steps, that’s how I’ve got to do it. Because I like a lot of things about my life as it is now. I don’t want to lose those things. And maybe I’ve already started. Hell, I got up at 8 and two pages of epiphany later I haven’t even had a sip of my coffee.
I have learned that not everything in life has to be grand or profound or epic to be meaningful and nice. So maybe this isn’t the start of my new life (or maybe it is) but that’s okay. It’s okay to take baby steps. You don’t have to jump in blindly. And even though it is foggy and cold and all I really want to do is crawl back into bed, the fact that I’m not, that’s a pretty damn good first step.