• Not Enough

    by  • March 19, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Disappointment • 3 Comments

    I hate this time of year. No, I don’t mean detest or loathe, I mean hate. With a fiery burning passion. I hate that while all my friends are dress shopping, I’m stuck at home. I hate working my ass off for softball, just to get stuck on the bench because I don’t have the right last name. I hate the Facebook statuses and pictures of the cute ways my friends get asked to prom, the beautiful dresses I’ll never be able to afford, and seeing everyone totally and completely happy. Everyone but me.

    Prom; the one time of the year that accentuates everything I’m not enough of.

    I’m not pretty enough. Sure, I’m not bad to look at, but I’m just average. Plain. Not anyone the guys pursue openly. Especially not the one guy I want more than anything. The one who left me without saying goodbye or telling me why. I just exist, there on the side. The one everyone asks to edit their paper or the one they go to when they want a good book suggestion. Never the one asked to dances, to the movies, or to dinner.

    Mom says “You’re gorgeous, but you’re too picky. You never give any guys a chance.” There’s no one worth giving a chance anymore.

    My teeth aren’t straight enough. I’m not curvy enough. I don’t have big enough boobs. I’m not smart enough. I can’t carry on a conversation with a boy because I’m not confident enough, can’t flirt well enough. I’m not witty enough. The list could go on; I might as well be invisible.

    I hate the fact that I’ll never get to wear my dream dress because we can’t afford it (as selfish as that sounds.) I hate that all my friends with have dates and I won’t. I hate how insanely jealous I am. Yea, a couple of boys have asked me. But I don’t want to go to prom with my little brother’s best friend or a boy that just wants to get in my pants even though he has a girlfriend.

    My parents get mad because I’m so picky about who I let in my life and because I’ve never dated, never had my first kiss, even though I turn 18 on Sunday. I thought it was a good thing that I was cautious about who I let in my life? I guess not. I can get with every boy who happens to look my way, if they like. Granted, it’s not many, but I could. But I don’t because I have more respect for myself than that. But I also hate how whenever they look at me, all I can see is their disappointment.

    I’m sorry I’m not the daughter you wanted. I’m sorry I’m not good enough.

    I hate prom. Not because of the dress thing. I’d get over that. I hate how it makes my parents look at me. I hate that every day that prom gets closer, I realize just how not enough I am.

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    3 Responses to Not Enough

    1. smiley
      March 19, 2012 at 11:03 pm

      Hey,

      I know that it’s really hard when these things happen- I went through the exact same thing you did, down to almost every detail. I understand where you’re coming from, honestly. It sucks. It feels like it’s not even worth trying, like you’d rather just give up forever. But it does get better. The year you’re having, senior year I’m guessing? That year is two years behind me now, and I can’t tell you how much has gotten better since then. It’s only high school, and I know it sounds lame and like the thing everyone says, but it does get better. I’m picky, too, when it comes to guys. That’s why I do know that a guy is going to come along for you, and he’s going to knock your socks off- corny to say, I know, but I mean it. He’ll be amazing and funny and just what you need. No, it doesn’t mean you’ll spend together forever, but he’ll show you that you ARE enough as a person, and that you deserve attention and love because you are a human being.

      You are enough though, really. You are the person you are, and there’s nothing wrong with that. And while others are always going to have expectations of what they think you should be, all you can do is try to be who you want to be. And then, once you try your hardest to be who you want to be, you’ll realize that you always have been enough, that you are enough, and that you will always be enough and that you deserve anything you want and work for.I hope this helps. 🙂




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    2. Erik
      March 19, 2012 at 11:11 pm

      As someone who was in a similar situation to you in high school, you’ll look back on prom in a few years and see that it was all so silly. Kudos to not dropping your values and just going with a guy because he asks. That’s the sort of thing the worthwhile guys are looking for. And I must say, most guys don’t see any girls as plain. If you’re not ugly (which by your own admission you’re not), there’s guys out there who think you’re gorgeous. They might not ever say it, they might be too scared to. Remember that high school isn’t the end, you’ll find a great guy somewhere out there, and when you do, you’ll be glad that you “missed out” on getting a guy for prom when none of them could match up to the guy you get, and you’ll be worth it for him. Just find happiness for yourself, and take pride in the fact that you’re not getting pregnant this prom.




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    3. mee
      March 20, 2012 at 10:02 pm

      hey i completely understand, i went to one of those high schools too where your last name and who your parents were completely dictated what kind of treatment you got from everyone, and its fucking ridiculous… when i got to college, 14 hours away from my small town, i was SHOCKED that people actually liked me there, thats how much high school fucked up my self-esteem.

      my advice would be to get as far away as possible once you graduate. worked for me (: Best of luck dear!!

      PS, all the boys in high school who wouldn’t give me the time of day are now seeing how cute and confident i’ve gotten, and messaging me on facebook like “hey when are you coming back” and my answer is NEVER fuckers (: (: you’ll see, its a great feeling.




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