• I want these 8 months back

    by  • March 19, 2012 • Letting Go • 0 Comments

    We met nearly a year ago. You lived with my friends and that’s how I met you. We got along straight away but at that stage you were just jayden, my friends friend. We talked and added each other on facebook then I can’t remember how we started texting. I met you and jayd in town and B was working behind the bar. You kept giving me this look and I remember it so well. I then drank a bit too much and we made out. You initiated it! The next day we had to pretend it didn’t happen..why. Because you have a girlfriend. We then text each other basically all day and all night everyday. It made me happy. Cos you were a guy that payed so much attention to me and made me feel worth somethig to someone. A few weeks later we planned to go camping just me you B and jayd, and you would tell me I would have to snuggle with you cos B would be with Jayd. Camping came around and me and B brought so much alcohol and we were excited. So we went and the weather wasn’t too flash but we didn’t care cos we were too ready to have fun. We drank all day when we got there after we unpacked the car. We were the only ones on the beach. We kept drinking into the night and me and you started hooking up all night. I don’t know what my blood alcohol would have been but it wouldn’t of been pretty!!! That night something happened..you took my virginity. In a way I shouldn’t have cos I was drunk and didn’t have full control of what I was doing but somehow it felt right with you. Like we had this connection and we didn’t know what it was but it was strong. From then on its a blur apart from texting each other all day. I would then go to gym with one of the girls you lived with then come and stay over in your bed and it wasn’t just about the sex it was about the company. I loved your company and it made me feel so comfortable. My best friends then ignored me for weeks because of you having a girlfriend. But i wasn’t doing it for shots and giggles. There was something there. You would text me and tell me all the time. I remember a text saying we would do it no strings attatched and if it went to far we would just stay friends. It went a little to far for that. It went on for over 8 months. All the boys and all of our friends around us said you shouldnt be with her you should be with me and that we are in love. We both just laughed each time, even though we knew it was something. And it had its ups and downs and I felt like a terrible person for doing it. But even so you never seemed happy with her. She was always telling you what to do and who you could and could not see. It wouldn’t be like that with me. But last night you told me something that made me cry all night. That she’s pregnant. And she wants to keep it. She’s two years younger than us and just turned 17 for god sake. It killed me when you called and told me. And only a few weeks ago you were telling me that you want to end it with her to be with me but you didn’t know what to do..maybe you were just telling me that to get what you wanted in the meantime. I told you last night that it was like I was just here for killin time til something big happened for ya. And all you could say was don’t be like this Alex please. How can I not. Then you come out and say I can either accept being friends or nothing at all..it’s hard to be friends with someone you want to be way more with. I don’t think I loved you but it was something so strong. Lust maybe. J I don’t know where it’s gonna take us but I just wished I dreamt the whole thing last night. But then I wake up and it was my own living hell. I feel empty. And you did this to me. It’s your fault im broken like this. And I don’t know how to fix it.

    I want to feel nothing for you, I want to hate you and never talk to you again. But I can’t cos I want you in my life so fucking much. I’m scared what’s going to happen, I just want you to hold me one last time. I’ll never tell you all this. For some reason I’m telling all these strangers on here, cos telling you won’t change your mind cos you don’t have the balls for change. I miss you already J.

    I don’t want goodbye I just want to feel nothing for someone who changed me so much in 8 months.

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