Dear Love, 19 MARCH 2012
I don’t know what keeps happening, we’re perfect and happy for two weeks and then boom one day something happens, something makes you doubt. I wish I knew how to change that, I wish I knew what to say to put those thoughts in the dirt. I am just me, what you see is what you get. I wear my heart on my sleeve for you because that’s the only way I know how to make myself transparent. I want you to know how I feel all the time, I want you to know what’s going on in my mind. I am typing this out right now because that song says “I bleed my heart out on this paper, so you can see what I can’t say..” or in my case say correctly. I have all the words in my head; sometimes they just don’t come out right or portray exactly what I am trying to say. I am doing the best I can from 2100 miles away, sometimes I feel like it’s not good enough though. It isn’t enough because I am not able to hold you, confide in you and be there in physical form. It kills me when I think about how I’d do anything to be by your side. Meanwhile I just have to go day-by-day until I get my golden opportunity, my one real shot to be with you. If I ever get that, ill make the best of every second and there wont be a moment where you won’t be smiling. I dream about that smile, I look forward to the day that I get to be your everything and the only thing you look at in front of your beautiful eyes. I am just asking you to keep going day-by-day with me. That’s all we got, we have to play with the cards we are dealt and make the best of it. Back when I was younger I adapted this phrase.. “Jump First, Fear Later.” I try to apply that to everything I do. Sometimes I let my mind get the best of me and I freak out about certain things.. but I need not worry about the things I can’t control because they will figure themselves out in time. I think that phrase is what makes me so sensitive, and so vulnerable.. sometimes I feel week like ANYTHING can get to me, but I’d rather be open to everything than closed off to things that could change my life. As long as you are in my life, I will always jump first, and fear later because with you there isn’t anything to fear. We should let what we fear keep us from being happy, keep us from the way we are, it will all work out in the end.. you’ll see.
Keep believing, keep my in mind for you will always be in mine.
I love you KMD – & that will never change.
No matter How many miles stand in between, in my heart is where you’ll be.