I’m not in love.
Maybe I am. Well.. I don’t think I am. I mean I’m only seventeen. So before you read this, just know that no, I don’t love you. But the fact that you are the person I want to spend the final three months of my high school year with is enough. It’s enough to say that yes, you are that happiness I long for. To me, that happiness is all I need.
All I do is think about you. After every single class, I want to see you in the halls, with that smile of yours, and your over-the-top sarcastic tone. But this is all wrong, telling you how I feel is wrong, I mean you aren’t exactly available.
Yet, I can’t help it.
I bluntly told you how I felt after a few months, it wasn’t the entire truth though. I don’t just have a small crush on you. I mean we do have a history, a pathetically weak one at that. A one month relationship in grade 10 is a little embarrassing, I’ll admit. But we were young and immature. It’s actually way fucked up that I still have these unfinished feelings for you, after almost 2 year that are eating me up inside, and I just want to tell you.
So I told you one night.
It wasn’t the outcome I anticipated. You didn’t say much, and went to bed within 10 minutes. Then again you do have a girlfriend, what did I expect? But for some reason I had this tiny ounce of hope that you felt the same way towards me. You see, I knew you felt it too. Don’t ask me how I knew, I just did. It’s one of those things that cannot be explained. You know how you just know? Yeah, I knew, I really did.
The night we drank.
That night, it all broke loose. I knew it would happen eventually, and I’m sure you did too. You whispered the words I wanted to hear most, the news I couldn’t take lightly. Confessing how you truly liked me, more than your girlfriend was what I had waited to hear. That night you kissed me, and we slept side by side, your arms around me. I felt your heart beating so fast and you told me “It’s because of you.” But you see, you have a girlfriend.
I am not sorry.
I think this is what liking someone does to you. Hell with dignity and pride, that shit it just out the window at this point. I just want you; I won’t lie. I don’t really know how to approach you anymore, it’s a little weird. But I want you to know that I was us to be together. The girl you’re with isn’t the right one.
It’s too bad we graduate in under 3 months.
I feel like crying when I think about it, that in 3 months I won’t get to see you again. We’ll be living across the Atlantic Ocean. I don’t even know when I will ever see you again. It’s like a ticking clock, every day is leading to that inevitable goodbye. We’re going different ways and it kills me that I can’t be your girl for the last 3 months of time. I need to tell you how I feel, that I don’t want to be that girl. I want to be THE girl. I don’t want to waste these last 3 months wondering what could have been. It’s wrong, it’s selfish, but I think it’s the right thing to do. Yet, something is holding me back.
I’m way over my head in this one. I don’t know what to do.
“Some people are meant to fall in love, but never be together”